Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash

SHOOTIN' THE SHIT WITH KEVIN SMITH - THE BEST OF SMODCAST

From SModcast number 45
Lost and Bukkake Eggs

KS: If we were in Lost, and there was nobody else...

SM: On the show, or if we were actually trapped on the island?

KS: It's like Lost, but the plane that went down, we were the only two survivors.

SM: Okay, so we're stranded on an island.

KS: We're stranded on an island. That island. But there's only two of us, so the Others don't bother with us, they're not a threat or anything like that.

SM: They just watch, and snicker.

KS: Yeah, they're just like, "Let's watch and see how long it takes for these two to fuck." If we were lost on the desert island, and, how long have they been lost? At least half a year, in TV time?

SM: Something like that, yeah.

KS: Like, in real time, it's been three, four seasons, but I think it's only like...

SM: I thought it was like a hundred and ten days.

KS: Something like that. Um... We're on the island with no hope of... we don't know if we're ever gonna get rescued, we don't even have hope like these fuckers, like every once in a while they find a plane or some such shit...

SM: Yeah. What, we never leave the beach?

KS: Yeah, we're always just like, "Let's stay here!" Or you're like, "Let's go hiking!" and I'm like, "Fuck that, let's stay here in case somebody comes. Plus, hiking sucks." So, we're just living on the beach and shit, and maybe every once in a while you go out and run into a polar bear, and you're like, "There's a fucking polar bear on the island!" And I'm like, "I told you you should stay on the beach!"

SM: I mean, I don't think I'd be doing recreational things. It would be more like, "I'm gonna go try to get us some food."

KS: I'm like, "Alright, I'm down with that."

SM: If I ended up on an island, I might introduce the idea of like, "I should hike to a vantage point, where we can see most of the island, 'cause maybe there's something, anything on there, as opposed to staying on one beach; two, I would hike into the interior to try to find food. You would have to deal with fish.

KS: Like, catching them?

SM: Yeah, but also eating them.

KS: Yeah, that'd be tough for me. I mean, I guess if you're hungry you'd fucking do it.

SM: We'd have to create fire. I would actually, there would be a part of me that would be like... I love the idea of us standing around, trying to figure out when we're going to fuck each other.

KS: That's what I'm talking about. How long would it be before we were like, "Alright, we're gonna..." Well, first off, let's take it to the first level. Do you jerk off on the island?

SM: Sure.

KS: Do you do it privately? Do you do it while I'm sleeping?

SM: Uh...

KS: Or are you like, "I'm going on a hike," and it's like a three minute hike and you're like, "I'm back!"

SM: I'm just behind a tree, five feet away, you can see me...

KS: Finding a knot on a fucking palm tree and shit, drilling it... You do jerk off? Do you jerk off in the ocean, underwater, or is that like, salt water on your dick?

SM: Um.... Maybe I would do it there. I don't know where I would do it. I think that there would be... initially, my thing would be food and shelter.

KS: Right.

SM: And I would think I would use masturbation as more of just a...

KS: Tension reliever?

SM: Yeah, like, you know, after a long day. I mean, it's pitch dark, it's not like there's lots of light.

KS: It's true.

SM: I could be in the same room, and you wouldn't see it.

KS: Yeah, I'm like, "What is that noise?" "Nothing. Go back to sleep." "I'm not sleeping." "Just you didn't hear nothing."

SM: "You don't see nothing, you don't hear nothing."

KS: "Get lost." I'm like, "We are lost!"

SM: I'd probably do it in private.

KS: Mmm. How long... how many years do you think it's before you're like, "Let's fuck." Or, do you ever get to that point, or is it too weird? You're like, "We're too...I don't want to ruin the friendship."

SM: It would be a strange... I think it would have to be something that you would have to experience. On the outset, I would be like...

KS: "Never!"

SM:Well, it wouldn't occur to me that... like, at this point... I think you would have to go through the experience, because at this point off the top of my head, my initial reaction is that one, I would think about surviving...

KS: Right.

SM: And getting rescued. Not to avoid fucking you.

KS: Right, right. I mean, I'm starting to get a little hurt, my feelings are hurt.

SM: I'm just sending out all these messages, "Please rescue me so we don't have to fuck..."

KS: "I'm within a month of fucking this fat pig and I don't wanna do it. Please, help us get unlost."

SM: I assume that it might be something that might progress over time. It would have to be at that moment... not because I'm so like appalled by the idea of having sex, with you...

KS: Right. Thanks.

SM: But more, um, it would be way down on the list of things. Even if we crashed, in the Lost sense, and we were part of a larger group...

KS: Well, there would be broads.

SM: Right, but I also don't know how quickly it would just be like, "Who wants to fuck?"

KS: Oh my god, right away. If I'm not married, and I crash on Lost, and there's Jack and all those people are like, "We're building the shelters, we're going to find food," they're taking the lead, I'm like, "Right on. Hey ladies, who wants to fuck me?" I would be thinking about it.

SM: Once again, it would not be my initial... I don't think it would occur to me about sex until I knew that I was like, "I am in a situation where I can survive on a day-to-day basis."

KS: Well, it's like Lost, where we find a bunch of food, the Dharma initiative food...

SM: Fresh water, food and shelter. As long as I was like, "I'm not gonna eat every day but I have a..." there's a method...

KS: You're eating every day, you have like cornflakes and shit, and peanut butter, all that Dharma food.

SM: Oh, we do? Just quickly... we find a hole in the ground...

KS: Totally. The hatch, and, fucking awesome, we're like, "Holy shit there's food," but nobody's in the hatch, it's not like we've got to deal with Desmond who's like [in Desmond accent] "Alright, brudda, who's gonna fuck me," it's like, we find the hatch and it's like, "Holy shit, someone was here before, and there's food." I guess if we found the hatch, and food, we would be less inclined to fuck because we would be like, "Somebody might be watching."

SM: Exactly. There's literally a red tube feed to fucking home and everyone's like, "They're alive, and they're totally gay."

KS: Everyone's taking bets and shit, Vegas odds are up, "How soon before these idiots fuck."

SM: It's like Porn Survivor. "We've stranded two men on an island, who think they're alone..."

KS: But it happens in jail, like, dudes go to jail, and you're talking about dudes who are in jail for like, three years, and they'll still fucking down-low it and shit, and get blown by other dudes, and fuck other dudes... Remember Midnight Express that dude fucking in the shower scene, where they made tender love? Like, I don't know how long he was in jail at that point, but, dudes fuck if they're left to their own devices. 'Cause if you're talking about the two genders, one is more inclined to fuck on a regular basis. I think. And I hope that doesn't sound misogynist, or gender biased, but I think dudes have a way higher libido than chicks, at least to a certain
point, and then chicks kick into their prime or whatever and then their libido goes up or something.

SM: I think... I'm sure that women would all say, if there was two women...

KS: Oh, they would totally fuck. They'd be more inclined to fuck, and eat pussy, than...

SM: Be intimate.

KS: Well, eat pussy. You can call it intimate, I call it eating pussy.

SM: Um, I mean... once again, I couldn't put a time frame on it, but I'm sure that...

KS: Three years?

SM: I'm sure within three years.

KS:Within three years? [Pause.] Fag.

SM: [Resigned] I was like, "I know the hook's out there, if I don't bite it it's just gonna keep going on..."

KS: I think that would be strange. I think there would be a lot of jerking off though. 'Cause if you want to talk about it as a tension reliever, what's more tense than like, "We're fucking trapped, man, nobody knows where we are"? I'd be jerking off every hour, I think.

SM: Unless you're going to start eating your semen, you gotta like...

KS: Totally. It's like, we get a fire going, we take that shit, put it in a makeshift coconut pan, and make eggs, kinda. Like, whip it up. Like egg whites.

SM: Um... [long pause]. That means... so we don't have cornflakes, now? We're fucking making cum egg?

KS: Dude, there's a whole closet full of cornflakes. I'm like, "I know, but I want some bukkake eggs!"

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