I believe

[ Follow Ups ] [ Post Followup ] [ The View Askew WWWBoard ] [ FAQ ]

Posted by Suplee_Mental at on January 17, 2004 at 10:44:43:

In Reply to: Similar. posted by jkm822 on January 17, 2004 at 10:12:34:

well, life is fleeting, and because of that no one mans life makes any real difference. We all die anyway, and if one man doesn't contribute something special, then another man will.

It's not that I haven't been able to contribute. I have a job I enjoy, a house, a partner, friends. I'm effectively doing the "grown up" thing. But sometimes I don't now why one waits for death. Things can be great and things can be horrible. neither one matters very much. we all just keep forging ahead to the day we die.

I guess I feel like if I knew I was okay, if I knew I wasn't one day going to discover everything was just a product of my own delusional mind, that maybe a real sense of purpose would arise. But I'm just in some sort of purposeless limbo, hurling towards death, just like everyone else (except they maybe invent their own purpose to make the trip meanigful for them).

ever look up into the sky and suddenly feel isolated? like you are a part of something so much bigger than humanity. something that will move on whether you are in the mix or not.

wow...I am in a funk this morning...

: : How do you know if you are stupid?
: : Like, I could never create movies or art, I could never write, because I have no way of knowing if everyone is thinking I am an incompetant moron.

: I know I'm not stupid, but I also know I'm not very creative. I wish it weren't so, but there it is.

: : And it's not just performance. I don't know if I'd recognize my twin if I came across him in the street. I have no confidence that my perception of my physical self is accurate. I don't know how I sound when I talk, I don't know how other people percieve me at all.

: I think I'd recognize my twin, and I have a pretty good idea of what I sound like. As to how other people perceive me... who knows?

: : and I actually prefer to be ignorant in may ways. I guess I fear that if I see the truth it will make me suicidal. literally.

: I've never been suicidal. I've never understood it. I've always been firmly convinced that things have to get better, eventually. Things are particularly bad at the moment, and they have been for a while now, but I still don't consider suicide an option. I guess that means I have a pretty strong sense of self.

: : And I see folks like Kevin who are putting their art and ideas out there, on the line, because they seemingly believe in their selves.
: : do I not believe in myself because there is nothing to believe in?

: I don't know. My guess is, you still haven't found your "thing." Neither have I, but that's OK. Even at 28, I know I'm still young. Sure, it'd have been nice to know at 14, or 16, or 18, or 21, or 25, what I wanted to be when I grew up. But I never have. I'm still looking. I guess what matters is that you still believe you WILL find your thing. I don't have faith in much, but I have faith that I'm here for a reason. Not a "God put me here for a reason" type faith, but faith that at some point, I'll find the thing that gives my life meaning. I'd like to hope that it's soon, but who knows?

: : does anyone else struggle with this?

: Yep. It's OK, man. Really. As my father would say, "And this, too, shall pass."

Follow Ups:

Post a Followup




Optional Link URL:
Link Title:
Optional Image URL:


[ Follow Ups ] [ Post Followup ] [ The View Askew WWWBoard ] [ FAQ ]