Georgia Straight - B.C. Bud ripens Saturday

Director Kevin Smith (Clerks; Mallrats; Chasing Amy; Dogma; Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back; Jersey Girl) speaks in one-liners, which is a great attribute for an entertainer who will be “a fat man sweating on a stage for four or five hours” in front of 1,000 Vancouverites Saturday night (July 9). For those who can’t afford the $50 admission to the Vogue, the former Vancouver Film School student poured his heart out via cellphone to the Straight:

The Straight question: What do you wish you knew in film school that you know now?

The one-liner: “The more you eat, the less you exercise and the wider your waist gets. If I knew I’d end up looking like my dad, I’d probably choose to eat differently.”

The real deal: “I wish I’d paid more attention in film school [he dropped out four months into his eight-month program]. If I had, I might have made better-looking films. I was never interested in cinematic things; I was interested in character and dialogue.”

The question: Your films aren’t polished. Why do you think they’re successful in spite of that?

The one-liner: “I sold my soul to Satan in ’92. Then I sold it to Jesus right after. I figure they can fight it out and I’ll have a successful film career in the meantime.”

The real deal: “I think they speak to a distinct pocket of youth….I make films for myself; apparently, a lot of people also identify with not getting laid.” (Smith is married and his wife has even appeared in Playboy, but he told the Straight that doesn’t mean he’s getting laid.)

The question: Film schools in Vancouver are booming; hundreds of kids go into the industry each year. So, is there a future in filmmaking?

The one-liner: “Christ, I hope so. I’m banking on it. I’ve had an 11-year run and I don’t know how to do anything else.”

The real deal: “The current crop of directors will die out or become terrible at what they do. So we need new blood and stories to keep cinema interesting.”

The question: Anything else?

The one-liner: “Please come to the show! It’s so much more fun when there’s more people there. Don’t go to the Alanis Morissette show down the street; buy her CD and see my show. I’m missing out on the Alanis Morissette concert, which is pissing me off. I’ll be at the Vogue sweating on-stage. The question and answers go on for a very long time. I’m not high on quality, but I am high on quantity. Plus, they sell booze there.”

The real deal: Uh, that was it. As of press time, a few hundred tickets to the show were still available. Buy them on-line at kevinthevan.com for $50.