CNN: Welcome to a chat with Director Kevin Smith to hear about his new cartoon, Clerks, which premieres on May 31.

CNN:Welcome Kevin Smith to!

Kevin:: 'Evening, all.

CNN: Question from: "mac" question for Kevin: when can i expect to see Clerks animated in Europe (Eire) if its been picked up yet or not.

Kevin: I've heard no plans for a European unspooling of the show. Hell - we're lucky it's even airing in the U.s. (That'd be the United States.)

CNN: Tell us a little about "Clerks."

Kevin: That's like bringing coal to Newcastle with this crowd. Most of these cats know all about it already (probably even moreso than myself).

Kevin: But for the few who might've wandered into the chat looking for Bernard Shaw, I'll give some light 'deets on the show. It's a cartoon based on the first flick we made, waaaay back in '94 (during the days of grunge and flannel). It was a filthy little potty-mouthed flick that never played in more than fifty theatres during its theatrical release. So naturally, we thought it'd make a perfect choice for network television. As a cartoon, no less.

CNN: Question from: "Amy": If the beauty of clerks the movie is that they are ordinary guys then why turn them into superheros (not a slam, just curious)

Kevin: There's no beauty in it whatsoever. In fact, there's only ugliness, anger, hate and bile. As an aside, I didn't write those press notes from which that 'superheroes' quote came.

CNN: Question from: "LittleWorm": Kevin: What kind of numbers are you looking for in order to deem the show a success (in your eyes anyway), thus moving you to bringing an animated Clerks to the bigass screen?

Kevin: I'd be happy if three people watched and found it hillarious. Those three people would be... Michael Eisner Stu Bloomberg and Lloyd Braun (co-heads of ABC). If only those three cats tuned in and found the show funny, we might have a shot at life beyond our meager six episodes. No one else in the entire world has to watch. Just those three guys. Failing that, if more people tuned in to watch the show than had tuned in to watch the final episode of 'M*A*S*H', then we might get renewed as well. In terms of making a theatrical 'Clerks' cartoon feature... That's already in the talking stages. Ratings aside, it's a distinct possibility that we'll move forward on that. And if we do, rest assured, all that profane language will be securely back in place.

CNN: Question from: "cybertone": Hey Kevin... congrats on the show and receiving your honorary Doctorate. I'm a big fan of yours and the AICN website and neither of you seem too excited at the way ABC had treated the animated Clerks. Any regrets at attempting primetime?

Kevin: That's Doctor Smith to you, cybertone. As for regrets: the only real regret is that we didn't opt to go with UPN instead of ABC. The UPN pitch meeting was classic. We didn't have to pitch. They said "Look - we don't care what the show's about. Just bring it here. We need programs." We could've xeroxed our asses for a half hour and they would've let it run for at least two seasons. ABC wouldn't let us xerox our asses, so I regret going with that particular network.

CNN: Question from: "DJ_Andeee": If you had to compare Clerks: The Cartoon Series to any kind of cereal, which one would it be and why?

Kevin: It's 'Lucky Charms' all the way, as it's chock-a-block full of pink hearts, orange moons, yellow stars, green clovers, and blue diamonds. Either that or it's 'Trix' - because it's for kids. If your kid is inbred and very low class - as most of the reviews we've gotten so far seem to say that the show's only for complete morons.

CNN: Question from: "Scissorhands": Kevin- knowing the interest you have in Star Wars, has George Lucas approached you about script rewrites fro Ep 2?

Kevin: I've gotten no Lucas calls ever. I doubt he'd take to my version of 'Star Wars', which would include Luke badgering Yoda about how many dicks he's sucked.

CNN: Question from: "Brodiefan" Hey Kevin... Any plans on releasing Mallrats 2 the comic book as you mentioned in the DVD commentary?

Kevin: The 'Rats' comic is in the pipeline. Maybe next year. First, I've gotta turn in some 'Green Arrow' scripts.

CNN: Question from: "Ayatollah": If you could go back and re-cast Mallrats would you still cast Jeremy London? and if not, who would you cast?

Kevin: In all honesty, I would've cast Affleck, as I think he's the finest actor of his generation. Also, he works cheap.

CNN: Question from: "hitnrun": Kevin, are you still in the running for directing the movie based on Dare Devil, and are you still going to make more comics for the character?

Kevin: I was never in the running for that gig. I don't know who started that rumor. At one point, we were trying to set it up at Dimension, with me writing and Robert Rodriguez directing, but the Marvel Movie brass wanted a budget in the high seventies with a marketing budget in the thirty million range. It was preposterous for a comic character that isn't instantly recognizable to mainstream audiences. We politely declined. As for the comics, I intend to go back sometime next year for a sort-of sequel to the 'Guardian Devil' storyline.

CNN: Question from: "LouASkew": Kevin, you won't answer this, but i want to personally thank you. Not only for everything oyu've done, but a few months ago you signed a comic i ordered from the stash, and i didn't pay or ask for it, so thank you !

Kevin: Lou - there's not really a question in there. But seeing as it paints me in a positive light, I'll comment on it. We don't run a very tight ship here at View Askew. Bry Johnson - our head of online sales - will be fired for this profit loss error. That is all.

CNN: Question from: "Ezikel": when will you be comming back to Canada?

Kevin Smith: No plans on heading to the Great White North in the immediate future (unless I'm finally voted in as Prime Minister).

CNN: Question from: "DJ_Andeee": What percentage of Big Hollywood actors/actresses are as phony as Pamela's hooters?

Kevin: With the exception of everyone I've worked with, I'd say one hundred percent. Granted, I've only had experience with the actors and actresses I've worked with, so I'm only speculating out my ass here, but I'd have to go out on a limb and say every one of them - with the exception of the fine talent that've showed up in our flicks - are total fakes. Unless they agree to be in our flicks for scale (movie minimum wage).

CNN: Question from: "Savannah": Kevin, since you are here to promote the show, I have to ask how did you get several major celebrities to participate in voicing characters? Were they done as favors or was it strictly business?

Kevin: It seemed more like favors, as there wasn't any cash left in the voiceover budget once we went through it all on coke and whores (both male and female - Hollywood is very decadent, you see).

CNN: Question from: "WerkGouki": how into philosophy are you? ie. do you make a conscious effort to chuck existentialist ideas in films or does it just kinda end up in there?

Kevin: I told my wife that Kant was 'the bomb', and she married me).

CNN: Question from: "Mark321": If you had the chance to poke Angelina Jolie in the eye, would you take it?

Kevin: I don't advocate violence against women. Violence against network execs (regardless of their gender), yes. But not women. Nor should you. That's my new cause: no more violence against women. I'm going to start wearing a colored ribbon on my tuxedo to signify as much, and waste time at the Oscars bitching about this pet peeve, if I'm ever a presenter. Seriously - stop hitting girls. Or chicks. They're good enough to sleep with you.

CNN: Question from: "Country-Mike": Have you ever wanted to do a guest voice on the simpsons?

Kevin: I'm an American male tv watcher. Of course I've wanted to be a voice on 'The Simpsons'. But I had to settle for being a voice on that terrible 'Clerks' cartoon instead.

CNN: Question from: "Fireburn75": I was wondering if C2(clerks 2) is still in the works, I saw some information pertaining to it on and then it was gone.

Kevin: No 'Clerks 2'. Ever. Promise.

CNN: Question from: "FrailBoy17": Kevin: Whats the best way to ask out a really hot girl? I'm a high school senior, classes are up in a few weeks, and I want to spend my summer with this chick

Kevin: I can tell you the best way NOT to ask out a girl: don't say "I'm Kevin Smith. I made 'Clerks', lady." It never worked for me.

CNN: Question from: "Torak": Kevin, were you yourself ever a Clerk? You seemed to capture the perfect attitude and hatred for the American customer in Randall and the sometime hopelessness of a menial job with Dante.

Kevin: Yes - I clerked in the stores in 'Clerks'. That's how I secured the locations. And yes - I hated anyone who ever came in and had the audacity to expect me to do my job.

CNN: Question from: "jowippli": Kevin, I'm an overweight, needless to say single 24 WM, and I want to know how I can get hot chicks to go out with me? (Was that stupid enough to get past the censor?)

Kevin: See above.

CNN: Question from: "Ezikel": Have u ever seen Wallace and Gromit? if so what did u think of it?

Kevin: Sure. Love those shorts. Can't wait for 'Chicken Run'.

CNN: Question from: "Sputnik": Come on Doc, shed some light on the Ultimate Jersey Flick mentioned at

Kevin: There is no ultimate Jersey flick. There is one more Askewniverse flick, and then it's time to put away the toys and start making more adult flicks. By adult flicks, I mean porn. Hardcore porn. Triple penetration action.

CNN: Question from: "LittleShaver": How's Mewes doing? any plans for him to star in some movies. i think he's a great actor.

Kevin: Mewes is doing well. He's phenomenal on the show. As far as movies go, he'll have a big part in the next one we make. And at the end of June, he's going out to LA to shoot a smaller indie flick. He had an audition for the Penny Marshall/Drew Barryless flick called 'Riding in Cars with Boys', but apparently, Laverne didn't like him enough to cast the brother. If only Shirly had been helming that pic. My boy would've had a fighting chance.

CNN: Do you have any final thoughts that you would like to share with us?

Kevin: My final thought is that I don't want this chat to end. Can we stay? Can CNN spare a few more nickels for me and the fans? C'mon, Ted...

CNN: Thank you for joining us Kevin Smith

Kevin: Many thanks, CNN Chat-Master. We know you tried to buy us more time. But the Man.. he just keeps me and my peeps down! Any more queries, head over to I can usually be found there. 'night, all. Don't forget: watch 'Clerks' tomorrow night, after Drew Carey. And buy every product advertised during our half hour block. That'll send a message.