Posted by Will Turner, Karaoke King at nat0.ucc.ac.uk on November 27, 2003 at 10:28:10:
This is my disseration screenplay.
DISCLAIMER: I will not try to sue anyone who reads this, as this is an almost purely academic text. Besides, it's not finished.
Flowers Robert William Turner
1. INT- FLOWER SHOP
An inter-title reads “Bamboo is the symbol of durability”. Cut to STEVE (middle aged) and MIKE(twenties) arranging a wreath that reads “Fu” and “Of”. Mike is about to start the “C”.
MIKE
Someone’s a real born romantic, eh? (Pause) It’s Dave again, isn’t it Steve? What a wanker.
Steve shrugs his shoulders.
STEVE
Ours is not to reason why, ours is just to do or die.
MIKE
No wonder they always ask you to write the cards.
Steve looks at Mike and shakes his head.
STEVE
Mike, we all send messages with flowers, however subtle.
Mike grunts. Steve turns away from Mike.
STEVE
You’ve got a lot to learn, Mike.
MIKE
Thank you, Master Yoda. But you are not a Jedi yet.
STEVE
Are you kidding? I am the Jedi master!
Mike removes some bamboo from a pot. They duel while making lightsaber noises.
Steve looks at his clock. It reads “Oct 29 5.30”.
STEVE
Home time!
Mike laughs, then looks at his watch.
STEVE
Oh, I hear you’ve got that big date. Here.
Hands him a single red rose.
MIKE
Ooh, monsieur Ambassador, you are really spoiling us!
Steve laughs as Mike walks out the shop, but the laugh sounds increasingly bitter.
2. INT- OFFICE
An inter-title reads “The oak is a symbol of power”. Cut to a calendar with a picture of an oak on it. The 28th October is circled, with various arrows pointed to it. BRIAN writes ANNIVERSARY in unsubtle letters.
Brian’s office is small and just opposite the larger office. It has three desks and three computers. DAVE is working at a rather shoddy desk. He pulls out a silver canteen and drinks when he thinks nobody’s looking.
BRIAN
Must not forget, must not forget, must not forget.
His secretary enters.
SECRETARY
David Clark is here as you requested, sir.
BRIAN
Good. (Pause) Go on, what do you want, a tip?
The secretary exits, gritting her teeth and her hands firmly in her pockets.
SECRETARY (mutters)
I’ll tip you, you moody sod.
Enter Dave. Although wearing a neat suit, he slouches when shown to his chair.
BRIAN
I have been meaning to talk to you, David.
DAVE
It’s Dave, Brian, Dave.
BRIAN
See, this is the attitude I am talking about. You see yourself as a big fish in a small pond. This would be fine if you were breaking records, but frankly you have been coasting. Everyone has targets…
DAVE
And I’ve met them.
BRIAN
Yes, you have met them, but frankly your performance has not improved. In this world, Dave, there is no such thing as a job for life. We don’t pay you for average results.
Dave yawns, clearly bored by Brian’s speech. Brian thumps the table.
BRIAN
Look Dave, I don’t find this James Dean rebel act charming. I don’t need to know about your private life, but if it starts encroaching on your work I want it dealt with.
DAVE
If you want to sack me, do it but at least show some fucking balls. This isn’t imperial Rome and you sure as hell aren’t Caesar, you fat bastard.
He pauses to adjust his tie. He adopts a more official tone.
BRIAN (official)
David Clark, you have officially been warned.
Dave walks out, smiling. He then walks back in.
DAVE
And this is officially my notice.
He sticks his middle finger up and walks out the office. Everyone claps.
BRIAN
Alright, you’ve given baby his attention. Now get back to work!
Brian slams his office door. Everyone shudders for a minute and then carries on working.
3. INT- JANE’S OFFICE
JANE, a woman in her mid-twenties, is wringing her head through her hands. As she puts an envelope in the OUT tray, a man walks past and dumps a lot of papers in her IN tray. She groans and gets the first paper out of her tray.
JANE
Oh God.
The phone on Jane’s desk goes off.
JANE
Hello? Mother, I told you not to call me at work. Because we need the money, Mother! No, Mother, you get the money, then you have the family. Well, Mother it’s not the fifties anymore and Brian certainly is not like my father! I’ve got to go Mother, I’m expecting a call.
Jane carries on trying to work. A hand snatches away her bit of paper. It’s Dave.
DAVE
Hello there, gorgeous.
He blows on her ear. She pushes him aside.
JANE
Not here. Later. Tonight.
MILDRED, Jane’s mother, walks in clutching a paper bag.
JANE
Oh God, it’s Mother. Get out, Dave.
DAVE
I’d quite like to meet her. Why don’t you introduce us?
MILDRED
Introduce who?
Jane is visibly straining to think.
JANE
Er…this is Dave, our courier. That was his little joke, he knows I’m married!
Dave laughs nervously.
JANE
So, what are you doing here, Mother?
MILDRED
I just thought you could use some home cooked food. It’s left over lasagne for when Bobby came round. You know he lives in London now?
DAVE
Yeah, Soho I’ll bet.
MILDRED
What did you say?
DAVE
Er, Clapham.
MILDRED
Well, I can see you’re busy. Good day.
JANE
Goodbye, mother.
Jane watches Mildred leave. Dave sits at her desk.
DAVE
Tonight?
JANE
Tonight.
Jane waits until Dave leaves, then wrings her head in her hands.
4. INT- BRIAN’S BEDROOM
An inter-title reads “The dahlia is a symbol of extravagance”. Off screen, we hear Brian snoring. He is on his own in a spacious double bed. He is woken up by his alarm clock which reads October 28 8:00am.
BRIAN
Oh shit!
He bundles on clothes and runs downstairs. He grabs a carton of juice and rushes out the door with an obvious look of panic.
5. INT- DAVE’S BEDROOM
Dave grins in bed. He looks across at Jane, who is just finishing getting dressed.
DAVE
How was it for you?
JANE (hesitant)
It was…lovely. Anyway, I’ve got to go.
DAVE
Just say you were caught in traffic.
JANE
It’s my anniversary today.
He gives her a puppy dog look.
JANE
Sorry, Dave. And I’ve got to visit my mother today.
DAVE
No, you don’t.
JANE
Seriously, I have to. Bobby gave her his one visit a year and suddenly he’s the new Messiah. If I don’t go I’m going to get the head biting of a lifetime, I know it.
Dave goes to his beside drawer and pulls out a bottle of whisky.
JANE
Don’t be like that.
DAVE
Maybe you can announce your affair with tea and French fancies.
Jane walks out. Dave sits, glaring at his drink. He walks out of his door, slamming it. We remained focused on the empty bottle.
6. INT- BRIAN’S KITCHEN
Jane walks into the house. She sees Brian’s bunch of flowers. “To my darling wife, these flowers are nothing compared to my love for you. Happy Anniversary.” Enter Brian, smiling.
JANE
They’re…lovely.
BRIAN
Five years. And I love you just as much as the day we first met.
He hugs her. Jane cries.
BRIAN
It’s alright, it’s alright.
JANE
No, it’s not. I’m visiting mother today and I completely forgot!
Brian looks at her. She looks away. Brian laughs.
JANE
What’s so bloody funny?
BRIAN
Can I make a confession?
JANE
Go ahead.
BRIAN
I nearly forgot too!
Jane smiles half-heartedly.
BRIAN
You visit your mother, and we’ll go out for dinner tonight.
Brian hugs Jane.
7. INT- FLOWER SHOP
The inter-title reads “The water lily is a symbol of rest”. The clock in the flower shop reads “Oct 28 11am”. Steve glares at Dave.
STEVE
I reserve the right not to serve.
DAVE
Steve, it’s just a joke.
STEVE
Mildred is one of my best costumers and I won’t let you mess her about. For Christ’s sake, she’s an old lady. Haven’t you done enough damage?
Dave looks at Steve.
DAVE
Everyone does damage, Steve. And if you don’t do this for me, I will take this rose and shove it up your arsehole…thorns first.
He demonstrates the action with a nearby rose. Steve raises an eyebrow.
STEVE
God, Dave, you’re a real gentleman. Some day you’ll make a great husband.
DAVE
And some day you might grow testicles. Now are you going to help me or not?
STEVE
Fine, but seeing as this is a custom job, I will have to charge you extra.
DAVE
Suits me.
STEVE
So you want the plants to spell f…
Dave nods, then walks out. Enter Mike, depressed.
STEVE
I dread to ask, but how did your date go?
MIKE
The same as all my other dates went.
Mike is shown giving flowers to girls, who slap him to the tune of “The William Tell Overture.”
STEVE
You’re a good guy. Maybe you just…
MIKE (interrupting)
…Haven’t found the right girl yet?
Steve turns away again.
STEVE
Something like that.
He pauses, hoping Mike didn’t hear.
STEVE
Anyway, here’s the big one for today.
Mike raises an eyebrow.
MIKE
That’s…interesting. Let me guess, birthday?
STEVE
It’s an apology, apparently.
MIKE
What a wanker.
8. EXT- MILDRED’S GARDEN
Mildred’s garden is filled with flowers, all colour co-ordinated. Dave jumps over her fence and tears the flowers out. From inside a neat looking house, we hear Mildred scream. As he eats a clump of bluebells, Mildred shouts at him.
Dave spits out the bluebells.
DAVE (sarcastic)
I’m looking for my ball, miss.
MILDRED
You despicable…! My Bobby will be round in a minute. My Bobby, he’s a good boy…
DAVE
Bobby? So you’re Jane’s mum, are you?
MILDRED
Yes, how do you know?
Dave pauses and grins.
DAVE
I’m fucking her! She’s a heck of a ride, your daughter. She had to leave early to see you, so it left me with a lot of left over energy.
He leers at her for a second, then runs off. He then runs back and peeps over the fence.
DAVE
Oh, and I’ve fucked Bobby too! He was crap!
He runs off, laughing. Jane walk into the garden and looks around. She puts her arm around Mildred, who slaps her down.
MILDRED
Is it true?
JANE
Is what true?
MILDRED
He said you had an affair with him.
JANE
And then he said Bobby was gay, right?
MILDRED (angry tears)
Yes.
Jane laughs.
JANE
Mother, you are so naïve. This is the kind of thing Dave does. He hit on me once, I turned him down and he resents me for it. I’ll get him to apologise and re-plant your garden.
MILDRED
I had it set in perfect visual harmony… Bobby would have sorted him out.
Mildred looks down at the soil, still crying. Jane grits her teeth.
JANE
Yes mother, he would.
Jane’s phone rings. She wrings her head through her hands.
JANE
I told you, call me in half an hour. Is your half an hour different to mine? Is there a time zone between us? No, not today. Today is my anniversary, I told you!
MILDRED
I don’t know why you bother living with Brian. You practically live in that office.
JANE
Mother, we talked about this.
MILDRED
No, I talked, you gave excuses.
JANE
Mother…
MILDRED
When are you going to grow up? It’s been five years and…
JANE
No children? That’s what you were going to say, wasn’t it? Mother, I told you, when the time is right.
MILDRED
But I want to be around to…
JANE
Stop emotionally black mailing me, mother. I have to go home and get ready for tonight.
Jane walks off.
MILDRED (shouts)
Work begins at home, Jane! Think of Brian….think… of…me.
9. INT- MILDRED’S HOUSE
Mildred holds the leaves of her pot plant, spraying them and then wiping them gently with a cloth.
MILDRED
I’m just concerned about her, that’s all. I rarely seem to get five minutes with her anymore. We used to do so much together.
Mildred walks to the other end of the room to tend to her dragon plant.
MILDRED
I used to watch her play in the park. Then when she was old enough, I took her to the stables. Old Major. That was her horse. She loved him. She wasn’t the same after he died. Starting getting into music and…boys.
She walks into her conservatory. It is filled with pictures of her family and plants. She slumps in a chair. Next to her head is a water lily. She is disturbed by a knock on the door.
DAVE
I’m sorry for my disturbance, Mildred. Your garden is finished now.
Mildred walks out the door. She sees a bunch of flowers that read “Fuck off”.
MILDRED
You…you…
She holds her hand to her chest and falls.
DAVE
Oh, fuck.
10. INT- PUB
Jane fiddles with her watch, occasionally eating from a small roast dinner.
BRIAN
Jane, I was thinking…
JANE
Did it hurt?
Brian laughs half-heartedly. Dave slumps in the door.
BRIAN (raising voice)
I think we should try for a baby.
JANE
Keep your voice down! Isn’t it enough that you sacked him?
BRIAN
I told you, I didn’t sack him, he quit. It’s not my fault he can’t get his priorities straight.
Dave has a drink in his hand. He laughs in Brian’s face.
DAVE
Talking of priorities, yours are seriously messed up, Brian. I’ve been shagging your wife for the last three months.
BRIAN
I know.
DAVE
How did you know?
BRIAN
I guessed, and you just told me.
Dave laughs.
DAVE
That’s a good one. I’ll let you have that.
Brian throws his drink over Dave.
DAVE
Let me know when it’s my round.
BRIAN
We’re going to have a family, Dave. Jane doesn’t need you.
Jane glares at Brian.
JANE
This is exactly why I cheated on you, Brian. You think you know what I want. We never talk.
BRIAN
Because you’re never there! You spend all your free time with him when you should be with me!
Brian goes to punch Dave. Dave shoves him to the ground. Dave starts to walk off.
Jane tries to follow him, but Dave pushes her away.
DAVE
Brian’s right. You don’t need me.
He walks off. Brian is still eating his food.
JANE
We need to talk…
11. INT- FLOWER SHOP
The “Fuck Off” wreath is now complete. Steve and Mike wait, arms folded.
An envelope is pushed through the door.
STEVE
It’s a cheque.
MIKE
Why isn’t he picking up the flowers?
STEVE
Some things you can’t say with flowers, Mike.
The camera pans away to the shop window. Steve turns to Mike and mouths “I love you”. Mike mouths “I know” The pair kiss.
12. EXT- SUNFLOWER FIELD
As Dave walks through the sunflower field, a card reads “The sunflower is a path to God”
DAVE (voiceover)
God? Are you listening? I know I don’t deserve forgiveness. I just want it.