Kevin Smith Must Read This!!!

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Posted by richy_roma at on August 26, 2003 at 01:23:49:

First and foremost, I do not expect you, Kevin, to respond to this, but I do expect you to read it. After all, that is why these chatrooms exist, is it not? I would much rather tell you off face to face in one of your donut shops in Jersey, but frankly, Jersey is the headquarters of trash like Sopranos and I will have no part in that, thank you.
Let me start off by saying I used to be a loyal fan of yours Kevin. I had EVERYTHING with your name on it. Every DVD, magazine, comic, and yes, even your action figures for gods sake (it makes me sick to my stomach to admit that nowaday).
Then, it happened... I took a film class and learned the ART of films. I saw a little film called "The Godfather," and it changed my view on films forever. I'm sure you have seen it, remember? Marlon Brando was in it... I'm sure you were bored out of your skull by that movie, as was anyone else in this forum. After all, you were all born in the age of HORRIBLE films like American Pie, XXX and Pearl Harbor.
The other day I saw "Gods and Generals," and it just happened that it was poisoned by one of your boogers from Mallrats. What the hell was he doing in that movie. IT WAS A JOKE!!! I guess he couldn't pollute his babysoft skin with
a beard (or for gods sake, at least a mustache). He stuck out like a sore thumb!
The seventies was by far the greatest decade in the history of film making. It is a damn shame that movies have become what they are today; mediocre bonehead flicks aimed at ripping us off at the box-office in order to fatten the director's greasy wallet. Godfather Part 3 was in my opinion the biggest let down in the history of film. Francis Ford Coppola admitted that he was ready to cut Al Pacino from the film at the drop of a hat if he didn't accept a measily 2 million less than he requested. That right there is an example of a man more concerned about money over story; a walking talking example of what Hollywood has become and you are no exception, Kevin.
You always said your films felt like home videos, well let me tell you why, THEY ARE!!!
At first I couldn't understand what Tim Burton had against you. Now I understand all too well! Let it be known, I am in no way a fan of anything that walking talking cigarette has produced.
I've come to understand that you apparently took filmschool, yet dropped out. Apparently, you MUST HAVE dropped out at the beginning of the most important lesson; art! Do you understand the meaning of art in regards to symbolism; color; film type, method and style (all known as cinematography), and the sacred art of dialogue (for which you are absent in).
Your characters are shallow, talking heads that spout garbled jumbles of complicated words. Real people do not talk like that! You even admitted yourself that you haven't got half the vocabulary of your characters.
Religion is a joke to you! You're gonna burn alive in Satan's giant chilibowl for making Dogma.
Now on to Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back. What was the deal? Of yeah, money of course! Your fans were on the edge of their seats at the end of Dogma, then you give them this?This dreck! What the hell was going through your mind when the studio gave you the ultimatum and you chose to blow a "perfectly good" film on such a mediocre plot. You barely put any effort into it at all, and copied nearly all of the material from "Chasing Dogma" into it in order to minimize the writing process. It was cheap and irresponsible of you to say the least to let your fans down like that. However, for that I have to thank you. You showed me the light.
Speaking of JSBSB, it is probably the worst method in the history of filmmaking to re-use and recycle your actors like you do so often. Ben Affleck, Jason Lee, Jason Mewes, Randall and Dante are the worst examples I have to offer. I can easily accept it when Martin Scorsese uses Robert De Niro in films like Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Goodfellas and Casino. But there is a difference. Those movies have something to offer, yours DON'T.
I blame the coming of Ben Affleck into this business on you! He poisoned Al Pacino's career, and made yours you cheap son of a bitch! Gigli I must admit might as well have been
called "Chasing Amy 2."
In addition, you admitted that you learned everything you know about filmmaking from movies like Jaws, JFK, Do the Right Thing, etc. (Except for Jaws) that sounds like a decent example to follow by, but what I don't understand is where you went wrong! JFK in my opinion is the best film of the nineties decade. After those few spent years (about 1995) things went DRASTICALLY downhill. The Shining has become Thirteen Ghosts. Chinatown has become Hollywood Homicide. Godfather has become Knockaround Guys. The Apartment has become Gigli. The Odd Couple has become Clerks. Glengarry Glen Ross has become Boiler Room. The Deer Hunter has become We Were Soldiers.
Now I heard you were going to make your latest Clerks project with FLASH! When I heard this news from my friend (who was just as loyal to you as I) I was rendered speechless. I infact suspected him of blatantly lying out of his teeth until just today I saw an article about the fact.
In addition, this recent business with Jersey Girl is what set me off on this little rampage on you Kevin. It seems that you have amputated your latest Jersey trash film due in part to Gigli's failure, and the success of your latest screenings. Oh wait, I actually meant FAILURE, I almost got winded by one of your lies Kevin, imagine that...
How pathetic is it that you have to resort to taking a knife to your latest movie and completely defacing it to the point of no recognition simply because it feels like Gigli: The Return. You have already caused enough damage in Hollywood (what with CREATING Ben Affleck, Jason Mewes and Jason Lee). How many Giglis can Hollywood take from you? Do us and yourself a favor and retire. You got what you wanted. You're a big man now; you're rich. Go home, have your wife stick her thumb up your ass and leave us be. It'll take time to repair the damages you've already done. I can't go thirty minutes without seeing Ben Affleck smeared across my tv.
In my opinion, it is your fault that Jack Lemmon is dead.

At this point you may be wondering if I just hate the art of movies all togethar. Well if you were reading correctly, I enjoy art, not dreck from the nineties mess. Once in a while there may come a good movie (About Schmidt, Affliction, and yes, even The Hulk has made my list thanks 110% to Sam Elliott and Nick Nolte's roles), but they are few and far between.

Here is the key to redemption.

A) Make another movie. Go ahead and make it as nineties style as you deem necessary. But you must do one thing; cast Oliver Stone as the main character.

B) Retire.

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