Do I sense a note of sarcasm? *nt*

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: : [This was originally posted on my website awhile back. Things were slow so I thought It'd be fun if ya'll turned your lives into Kevin Smith Movies] : : So You Want to Make a "View Askew" Film... : : You loved “Clerks.” You loved “Mallrats” almost as much. “Chasing Amy” and “Dogma” made little sense to you, and you base your entire life on “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back,” even though you didn’t get half of the inside jokes. Congratulations! You’re Joe Average, a guy who recognizes the name “Kevin Smith,” but didn’t know he played Silent Bob in his movies until fairly recently. You want to make movies as witty as “Clerks” and as goofy as “Mallrats.” But where can you get help? How do you make a “View Askew” movie? Look no further. Grab your pens and paper and make your selections below. Your path to stardom is just a low-budget feature away. : : First, pick a location for your film to take place from the choices below. : : 1) New Jersey : : 2) New Jersey : : 3) New Jersey : : Now that we know where the film is taking place, you’ll need a main character. Someone that’s self-loathing, and desperate for guidance. He’ll also need a name you don’t hear very often…a name from the Canadian show “Degrassi Jr. High,” for instance. Choose your man. : : 1) Wheels – He hates his job and lives with his parents. : : 2) Snake – He doesn’t even have a job and he misses his ex-girlfriend. : : 3) BLT – He’s a struggling artist. Van Dyke optional. : : 4) Bartholomew Bond – He just stands there while the action happens around him. : : Excellent. Now that we have a main character, he’ll need a companion. Someone witty. Someone…today. Someone that makes all the pop-culture references, and becomes the ultimate voice of reason. Someone that steals the spotlight and gets the main part in the next film. Someone with a name from Sid and Marty Kroftt’s “Sigmund and the Sea Monsters.” : : 1) Sigmund – He wears a backwards baseball cap and uses big words. : : 2) Sheldon – He also broke up with a girl recently, and he uses big words. : : 3) Shelby – He looks a lot like Jason Lee. : : 4) Sheriff Chuck Bevins – He kills people for God. : : You’ve got your two guys. Now it’s important to remember to drop subtle hints that they’re gay, but NEVER make it obvious. You’re ready to get some chicks in this here flick. These girls are hip, hot, and you’re just giving them parts in the hopes that you’ll see them naked one way or another. Make sure she’s disposable; unless she’s Joey Lauren Adams, you’re probably not going to work with her again after this project. : : The important thing about your leading girl is that she broke up with your leading guy, and she is VERY VERY bisexual. I’m talking “experimenting college school girl.” You are going to film hours upon hours of her making out with every other girl on the set, and you’ll probably cut all that footage out of the film. She’ll need a name that leaps out of the screen during her slow motion shots. A name like… : : 1) Zelda Jones : : 2) Cecilia Jones : : 3) Broom Hilda Jones : : 4) Richard Jones. Wait…Richard? : : Now pick your three actors from the extensive list below to take on these roles. Remember, you only get three. : : Ben Affleck : : Jason Lee : : Joey Lauren Adams : : Great, we’re ready to get rolling. Let’s make a title now. This is the fun part. There’s a formula to this that MANY studios have adapted from Mr. Smith. So why can’t you do the same? Are you saying you’re better than ‘Saving Silverman?” I didn’t think so. Now, pick a word from the column below, add “ing” to the end of it, and then insert your last name. It doesn’t even matter that your last name won’t be in the film. Just stick to the formula. : : Sneak : : Inhale : : Punch : : Leave : : Fart : : Judge : : Kill : : Throw : : Kiss : : Spank : : (word) + ing + your last name = HIT MOVIE! : : : : We’re almost there, but you’re missing something very important. REFERENCES! We need “Star Wars” references, we need “Jaws” references, we need hockey references, we need references to other Kevin Smith films! Pile them all in there! : : Here’s an example from my hit film, “Spanking Suarez.” : : Sigmund: Wouldn’t it be fun to play hockey on the Death Star? : : Wheels: What does that have to do with anything? My girlfriend Zelda is back to being a lesbian! : : Sigmund: So What? Jaws was a lesbian. : : By the way, your script will need more cursing. Make sure the “F”-bomb is being dropped at least twice a page. : : See how easy this is? Now you are ready to start filming your View Askew movie. There are only a few difficulties coming your way that you have to be ready for: : : 1) No matter what your film is about, there’s going to be a group with signs protesting it. : : 2) No matter how much Jay and Silent Bob you put in it, your fans will complain that it wasn’t enough. : : 3) You’re only going to use 20% of what you film, but that’s okay. Can you say, “Special Edition DVD?” : : 4) You friends are probably going to want you to executive produce their movies after you’re a star. : : And there you have it. I have just handed you the formula to success. Perhaps it is because of this formula that Kevin Smith has decided to make “Jersey Girl,” a film unlike all his others. It was only a matter of time before an innovative idea became a self-parody, but to Kevin Smith, I say thank you for five films of View Askew greatness. Sigmund and Wheels will take it from here.

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