Posted by Bob301 at dialup-65.57.32.160.dial1.phoenix1.level3.net on March 05, 2003 at 05:06:35:
So I was walking again today, after scraping off the midget and the feathers from yesterday, and another crazy thing happened. It went down like this:
There is still snow on the ground here, so I was making snow angels this morning in the quad. I saw a pigeon fly overhead (it could have been a marmoset, I don't really know my animals), and it landed in the clock bell-tower. It hand a not attached to it's foot, so I thought I'd go up and check it out. However, when I got up, I realized that I was all wet from the snow, so I had to go home and change. I changed, and as I was leaving my apartment, my roommate asked me if I could go paintballing with him later in the afternoon. I couldn't turn him down, but I needed to pick up a paintball gun and some paintballs, because I don't have any of my own equipment. I decided to stop at Wal-Mart, because it was on the way back to the quad. I bought the paintball gun, but they were out of paintballs. I had to go across town to get the balls, but my car wouldn't start. I called a taxi, and asked him to take me across town to the Sports Authority store. He misunderstood, and took me to the Port Authority. I couldn't get a ride back, because he went off duty when I got out of the car. I asked a dock worker if he knew the way to the sports store, but he must have thought I said Singapore, because he put me on a small boat just before it put out. We hit international waters before the captain had a chance to talk to me, but he thought I was a stowaway, and had me and my bags thrown overboard. I swam to the nearest radio-buoy, and used me penknife to pry open the transmitter panel and send an SOS. The Coast Guard showed up, and took me back in to shore. I sat on the pier and waited to dry out, when I realized my wallet had fallen into the ocean. When I was dry, I took a short-cut back into town down the alley between two wharehoses. I accidentally crossed a fish-cannery picket line, and was held up by some angy canners. because I didn't have my wallet, the took my pants and shoes. Now in just my sharts and carrying my wal-mart bags (passed over because they smelled like fish) I decided the beach was the most inconspicuous place I could go until I could call someone to bring me pants. When I got to the beach, i tripped over a little kids sandcastle, right onto a life-guard's wife. She thought I was trying to attack her, and sent the life-guards after me. I ran off the beaches towards uptown, but away from the University. I lost the life-guards after a couple of blocks, but I was pretty winded. So I went to the subway, hopped the turnstyle, and outran the pesky guard in the booth to the train. I hopped on before he could grab me. The Wal-Mart bag caught in the door and tore. The other passengers were all part of a gang who were spray-painting the seats and walls green and pink. They grabbed me just as the train started to move, and I ended up triped green and pink. luckily, the fish smell kept them away from my now rather torn bags. I rode the train an extra stop after the gang got off, and ended up two blocks from the University. I was drawing attention, so I decided to run the rest of the way to the university and use a phone there to call for help. Most of the classes and all of the admin buildings had let out, so I decided to use the phone in front of the bell tower at the quad, and check that pigeon for a message while I was waiting. unfortunately, the phne only called 911. I hung up when the operator answered, but she sent out a squad car just in case. I went up into the belltower to find the pigeon, but found dozens of nests. As I was looking through them for signs og the bird with the message, the mothers on eggs began screeching at me. pretty soon, they all attacked. All I had to defend myself was the paintball gun, so I took it out of the bag and swung it around wildly to beat off the birds, and screaming because of the pain they put me in. Thats when the cops arrived. They immediately radioed for backup, and pretty soo the news arrived.
And that is how an angry, pink and green man screaming about birds and fish and weilding a paintball gun like a baseball bat ended up on the news. So when you get your newspapers in the morning, just remember you heard it here first. Oh, and I found the pigeon with the paper. it was ripped from the front page of yesterday's paper, and had a big picture of a tar-coverd siamese-twin border hopper. Oh, the agony.