Posted by Arturo Bandini at 66-168-214-83.charterga.net on June 13, 2002 at 14:03:16:
Here's a handy little guide to the View Askew WWWBoard, based on type and content of post. Where do you fall?
*Newbie: “Neech, neech, neech. Smokin’ beers, smokin’ beers, drinkin’ coke, snortin’ blunts. Who snorts the blunts? We snort the blunts!”
*Newbie (Day 2): I just noticed that alot of Kevin Smith pictures talk about some girl drowning in a pool. Has anyone else noticed this? Does it mean something?
*Newbie (One month): FUCK YOU, NEWBIE!
*Intermediate poster (aka Askewdolecent): I think Kevin Smith brilliantly combines his love of teenage flicks a la John Hughes with his admiration of intelligent authors such as Gregory McDonald, whose “Fletch” and “Flynn” series of novels are a fine example of tight, dialogue-driven and humorous stories which contain incredibly well-crafted characters. I think that Kevin’s character development is up there amongst the pantheon of great writers such as Paul Schrader and one day critics and audiences will truly think of Kevin’s work as more than just dick and fart jokes. Oh, and FUCK YOU NEWBIE!
*Old-timer: Shut the fuck up. I saw you pass out at Vulgarthon and that was total bullshit. Brian Lynch is da bomb! And Amy Noble is married, so back the fuck off you creepy stalker! Oh, yeah, and FUCK YOU NEWBIE!
*Way, way old-timer: Shut your fucking talk-hole, newbie! It’s obvious that “Mallrats” takes place in an alternate Askewniverse where J&SB really ARE Bluntman and Chronic. That’s why Willam is played by a completely different actor, and why he calls Rene “Brenda” – Kevin was trying to clue all his true fans in on the secret! You are obviously confused because the standard line is that the movie following “Clerks” was supposed to take place the day before the events in “Clerks.” Well, if you had PAID FUCKING ATTENTION, the movie that was supposed to be second was “Dogma”! The events in “Mallrats” occur because God was trapped in John Doe Jersey – BEFORE the events in “Clerks”! And don’t argue that “Chasing Dogma” is cannon and chronicals the events before “Dogma” or I’ll punch you in the fucking throat! Fucking newbie.
(Also applies to Fat guy trapped in well with internet access)
*Arturo Bandini: Who wants pie?
I hope this helps
A.B.