Posted by dayzedANDconfuzed at 24-205-65-77.glen-dyn.charterpipeline.com on February 28, 2002 at 21:12:07:
Janet Reno shakes so bad, ...
the last time she tried to give a salute she lost an ear.
her manicurist uses body straps and curare.
her photo ops require ISO 1000 film.
her passport photo has three heads.
she trims her hedges with her finger nails.
they gave her three zip codes.
Q: Why does Janet Reno use a bidet?
A: The last time she tried to wipe her ass she needed a skin graft.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Nobody, it was just Janet Reno trying to hold down the podium.
I hate to imagine what it's like standing next to Janet Reno at a urinal but if she ever tries to open a beer can, duck and cover.
Q: How many attorney generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one but you'll need a roll of duct tape and a guide wire.
If you have a problem with being related to apes, wait until you hear you're sharing a species with Janet Reno.
All Janet Reno needs is a good woman.
Q: What do Janet Reno and James Bond have in common?
A: They both like their drinks "shaken not stirred."
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Janet Reno's balls.
Women don't have balls.
Ok, Clinton's balls under new management.
If you doubt dog is man's best friend, try letting Janet Reno dry hump your leg.
Q: Why doesn't Janet Reno drink milk?
A: It turns to butter before it reaches her mouth.
If modern science can immobilize an atom, why can't they at least reduce Janet Reno to a mild shimmy?
Q: What is the difference between FDR and Bill Clinton?
A: Frank needed his Attorney General to shake his willie and Slick Willie can't stop his Attorney General from shaking.
You hostile bastards., you wouldn't think twice about stuffing a blind man's guide dog and putting roller skates on it but you want my willie on pike for laughing at a couple of gimps.
Operation: Rescue was Janet "Shake and Bake" Reno's plan (but telepathically approved sight unseen by Bill "the Buck Stopped There" Clinton) to reunite Elian Gonzalez with his father in Maryland (or his mother in the belly of a shark.) The military precision and discipline required for over 150 of Reno's Raiders, armed only with HK MP-5 9MM submachine guns, sidearms, stun-grenades, body armor, hard-encrypted combat communications gear and poison pills (in the event of capture by the media) to defeat, with only minor casualties (a few photos on the AP wire service,) almost a dozen unarmed civilians in a residential dwelling heavy fortified by chain-link fence will go down in the annals of history with the Titanic, the Hindenberg and that little short guy at Waterloo.
What with losing Princess (or Lady, if you're from that side of the relm) Di, Mother Teresa, John Denver, Sonny Bono and Red Skelton -- All good people good for a few laughs. What can we as individuals do? What individuals through out history have done when faced with the loss of a great person. Create tasteless jokes (and with modern techology, fake pictures.) So with no further ado, I present ...
The Clinton Blues
a screen saver satire
Al Gore runs into the Oval Office and asks Clinton, "Did you leave a really ugly penguin parked in the White House driveway?"
Clinton calms him down and explains, "No, no, no, there aren't any penguins around here. Don't worry about it. Just don't inhale."
Al claws his way under Clinton's desk and cries, "Boss, you don't understand! I've run over Mother Teresa."
Clinton thinks a moment before explaining his plan. "No problem. We'll put her on ice for a few days then ask Ted to give her a ride home." Bill Gates the joke.
If James Carville worked for Bill Gates, their top ten excuses for Windows 3 1/10, 95, NT and HA (half-assed) would be:
10) Monica Lewinsky goes down more often than windows.
9) Drag a hundred dollar bill through a trail park and see what kind of software you get.
8) Bill Gates is the best CEO this country ever had. The Republicans are just trying to drag him down.
7) Crash this. Crash that. Microsoft is at war with the Department of Justice. Why can't we talk about the real issues.
6) All the "general protection faults" are coming from Ken Starr's office.
5) There's nothing wrong with our software. It's all part of a "Vast Right Wing Conspiracy."
4) It's the economy of scale, stupid!
3) The Repulican's are writing worse software.
2) They're all lairs. There ain't nobody's system crashing.
And James Carville's number one excuse for Microsoft's god-awful software...
1) Everybody does it!
New York Times: If Apple's so smart why aren't they rich?
Washington Post: Microsoft - You can buy better but you can't pay more.
The Drudge Report: Third world software at first world prices.
Bill Gates' excuse for MS-DOS: It's not our fault. We didn't really write it.
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Top Ten Reasons Kenneth Starr is Out to Get Bill Gates.
10) He's leaking the release dates for the next Windows system.
9) He doesn't know how to use a real web browser, like IE 4.0.
8) He defended Apple in the "look and feel" case.
7) These are the same people that went after IBM.
6) He's the only thing Monica Lewinsky ever said, "No," to.
5) He doesn't understand the browser is part of the operating system.
4) Does the First Amendment mean anything if you can be forced to tell the truth?
3) Is it really fair to force Bill's mother to testify that she does dress him?
2) I want it on the record that Bill Gates paid for his own presidential kneepads.
And the number one reason Kenneth Starr is out to get Bill Gates,
1) His web pages are "best viewed with Netscape."
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The top ten reasons you have to pity Bill Gates.
10) He's got more money than you. If you don't pity him, he'll hire someone to break your kneecaps.
9) He has to live in a house run by his own software.
8) It doesn't matter how much money he has, once a nerd always a nerd.
7) All his pets are virtual.
6) He really believes "BOB" was a great computer interface.
5) He's the richest man in the country and still can't get a White House intern.
4) He has to hire Third World programmers because no one in this country can tell him, "Good idea boss!" with a straight face.
3) He's the only man in America that gets less respect than Rodney Dangerfield .
2) He has millions of customers, thousands of employees, one wife and no friends.
And the number one reason to pity Bill Gates is...
1) His mother is dead and he has to dress himself.
The way I understand it...someone yelled "Lady Di" and the driver thought
it was an order.
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Q: What were Diana's last words to Dodi?
A: Isn't it wonderful that the fortune teller said we'll live happily
ever after?
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Q: What did Poparazzi say before chasing Princess Di on a motorcycle?
A: I'd kill for a picture, and he did. And after the crash.
Hey! This is better than the OJ case. Could you bleed a little more? I
need more color.
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When Prince Charles was being told of Diana's death he was all ears.
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Q. How did Di stay so thin?
A: It was that crash diet...
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Di and Dodo's favorite band is? CRASH TEST DUMMIES!
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Q: Who was the last guy to fuck princess Di?
A: The doctor who turned her life support machine off!
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While we all knew that Lady Diana Spencer was hungry for publicity, little
did we know to which extreme she would go to for a photo opportunity. While
on her way for a 'drilling' in the back seat of her car, with her lover
Dodi Fayed, Diana in a fit of passion flung a pair of her panties over her
chauffer and caused him to lose control of the car. The resultant crash,
which has been said could only have been pre-arranged, was awarded a 6.0 by
the pursuing papparazzi.
Mr. Fayed, contrary to earlier reports, was said to have survived the crash
but when he realised what Diana still had in her mouth, he died from shock.
French photographer's have offered photo's of the crash for up to $1m but so
far no one has bought them. Provided we can syphon funds from our chosen
children's charities, we hope to bring you these pictures. Not for any news
value, or shock value but mainly for fun.
Diana leaves behind an ex-husband, two children and a string of lovers
including ex England rugby captain Will' I gave it to her up the shitter'
Carling. Upon hearing about her death he said, "Well now that's my Thursday
night's fucked... I wonder what Fergie's doing?"
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Q: Why will they cremate Princess Di?
A: She won't fit into the coffin 'cause they
can't get her to keep her legs closed!
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I share this newsgroup's grief in the passing of a very beautiful
person. So sad! So tragic!
what was a single mother doing galavanting with a spoilt brat philandering
playboy in downtown paris on a saturday night? why was she not reading
bedtime stories to her boys? what kind of family values are these?
You pathetic piece of worm dirt, she was getting laid! (or was about to,
if it weren't for a sloppy French Driver)
Same thing your mother did, when she should have been teaching you
manners. Did you forget that she is divorced, and does not have the same
custody privileges (being a Royal member) like a shmuck like yer mummy? I'm
sorry. Touchy subject matter? Where is the father?(where is yours?) He too
was in another country, sucking the toes of yet another dumb,ugly British
fat chick. Where is the Grandmother?(the Queen?) That's right, she was
sucking yet another extremity. Possibly the stable boys,...or the stable
wares. Can you say nay? Can you stomp on the ground three times on demand?
The horses can..The Queen can't. England does not have "family values".
Nor does any other country, so, that point is moot.
Well, ol' charlie must be grinning from ear to ear, the divorce settlement
will now revert to his kiddies' Windsor family name! This I agree with.
Charlie, who just happens to be the most ugly queer the world has ever seen,
is a most giddy dweeb now. His make up artists are WORLD CLASS! He shed not
a tear,nor did he he show a blush, when he had to retrieve her body from
France.(but, I bet he asked for ten minutes alone with her, to give her a
poke in the morgue before her body temp got to cold). He is also quite the
actor. He did NOT break down into hysterics, knowing he had to pay out no
more money...thereby making his mum (Queen Lez...uh..Eliz)very happy.
The kids however, have to live with the fact that there Father IS the
real queen of the family,and the mother is where they had finally got
there chance to get out of centuries of inbreeding, due to the fact that
Chucky made one wise choice in 1982.(Now? Both boys are fighting for
"position"...to keep "up" the family tradition)
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Some inquiries have determined that the Mercedes was doing speeds over
100 mph due to a miscommunication problem. It seems that Princess Di
was performing oral sex on the Egyptian and he started to moan
"faster.... Faster!!!!" The driver misunderstood his expressions of
pleasure for orders.......hence the accident.
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Unconfirmed reports say that the papparazi driving the motorcycle
that caused the accident was no other than OJ Simpson !!!!!
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Burger King is going to offer a Lady Di Combo: Egyptian sausage on an
englsh muff-in splattered with ketchup all over and a bottle of
perrier.
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First Comercial Ads after Lady Di's death:
-If she had been on a Volvo, she would still be alive.
-Kawasaki, we kick the shit out of any Mercedes.
-If you have to leave this world, do it with class, do it in a
Mercedes Benz.
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Q: What were Princess Diana's last words?
A: "Would you leave me alone already? I'm a bloody princess!"
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Q: What's the difference between the NFL and Princess Diana?
A: The NFL players came out of the tunnel Sunday...
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Mercedes Benz to change name to Mercedes won't go round bends in tunnels!
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Once she was Lady Di. Now she is Lady Died!
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You know with all the media coverage of
Princess Diana's death you'd think OJ
killed her.
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In a surprise press release, Paris officials confirmed today that Princess
Diana's internal organs will be divied up and sped post-haste to the
most deserving charities in the world. Poparazzi have been on the alert
for further sightings.
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This French policeman is on the beat in the back streets of Paris one
night. He shines his torch down a dark alleyway and sees a man fucking a
woman on the ground. He goes up to the couple for a closer look, and sees
that the woman seems to be dead. He taps the man on the shoulder and says,
"I 'ave rizzon to believe zat you are making luvv to a dead woman."
"Ah non non non," says the guy on the ground, "she is not dead, she is
English!"
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Q: What is worse than being chased by British photographers?
A: Being chauffered by a French driver.
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If a car crashes in a tunnel and the press didn't bring a mike, will
the public get to hear the sound of the bodyguard screaming as his
testicles got boiled?
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Wire services have reported le tragique news of the DEATH OF DIANA.
Known as the Queen of Eurotrash, Diana suffered her injuries while
riding in a very costly navy blue Mercedes Benz. Her high speed romp
ended below street level amid fiery carnage in subterranean Paris.
Negroes who witnessed this HOLOCAUST were seen speaking with CNN.
Yachters from Mikonos to Gibraltor have halved the speed on their
cruisers and cigarette boats in honor of the late lamented Di. One
unidentified witness eulogized her thusly: "she was was a world class
shopper . . ." Di will be buried in the basement of Harrod's department
store, entombed with her formidable collection of plastique credit
cards.
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Q: What was the last thing Diana kissed?
A: The radiator!
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Q: What was the last thing Diana saw?
A: The back of her head!
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Q: What did they find in Diana's mouth ?
A: The tip of an Egyptian penis.
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Q.: What did the French hospital say to Charles
when he picked up the phone?
A.: Princess Die.
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When Diana said she would never talk to the British press again I did know
she was speaking the truth!!
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Q: What Was The Last Thing That Went Through Dodi's Mind?
A: His ass!
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Princess Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they
both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must
decide which of them gets in.
St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at
these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure
it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question.
Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of
her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day."
Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you
two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic
act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!"
"Sorry, Dolly, but a royal flush beats a pair any day."
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Q: What did Prince Charles say when he heard?
A: Well, thats the way the Mercedes BENZ...
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Q: Where where Di and Dodi heading the night they had the accident?
A: To paint the town red.
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Once again Diana proves a big hit in Paris!!!!!!
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Q: What's worse than being chased by motor bikes?
A: Being driven by a drunk Chauffeur!
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Q: What's Di's favorite song.
A: "I can't drive 55" Sammy Hagar
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Q: What did the paparazzi do with the little bits of Di's body before
the pigs arrived?
A: Made a pizza and took pictures of it!
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Q: What was the last thing to go through Diana's mind..........?
A: The car radiator!
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I was watching the remains being taken back in that big state coffin,
and I thought "Why did they bother taking her out of the ashtray?"
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hmmm, I now know what happened. dodo said "Diana, blow me." but shy Di
went down on the driver instead, causing him to depress the pedal a tweak
too hard."
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This guy goes into a second hand car dealers looking for a new car, he
sees a salesman and asks him for some advice. ' Certainly Sir' the
salesman answers.'Have a look at this 1988 mini, only 70,000 miles on
the clock, a bargain at 500 pounds'. The guy looks at the car and
replys, ' Yes, but I would like somthing a bit better.' The salesman
answers 'Ok, have a look at this 1990 Ford Escort, 50,000 miles on the
clock and only 1000 pounds'. The guy still isn't satisfied and says '
That's ok, but haven't you anything more classy'. The salesman leads
the guy to the far corner of the dealership where there is an old 1981
Austain Princess. ' Have a look at this beauty, 100,000 miles and a
gift at only 4000 pounds'. '4000 pounds?' replys the guy ' but the
other two cars were lots better'. 'Ahh, didn't you know' says the
salesman ' you can find parts of a Mercedies in a Princess!!'
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We all know what sticklers the Brits are when it comes to proper
grammar...so I suggest we use the proper tense when referring to Lady
Di...so, in the future, please refer to her as
"Lady Dead or Princess Dead.
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Q: Why was the cement post red? A: It got Di on it.
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It was her own fault, you know. She never should have
hired George of the Jungle as a driver.
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Q: How did they get Princess Di's body out of the limo?
A: They used a wet/dry vac. I heard they used Royal Jelly.
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To the tune of that well known song:
Driving along in my automobile,
Brains all over the steering wheel.
Dodi was screaming all the time,
So Di gave him a piece of her mind.
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Speaking of "famous last words":
The driver: "Don't worry, I know a shortcut..."
or: "Nah, we'll get rid of 'em in that tunnel..."
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Hear about the princess who stayed out after midnight?
She turned into a concrete post!
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It's just another example of Franco/German anti-British collaboration
that has been going on since 1914.... Surely it's no coincedence that
the world's best-loved Englishwoman was killed by a drunken Frenchman
driving a German tank.
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Princess Diana Anagram. PRINCESS DIANA: DIES IN CAR, NAPS
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For Sale
Mercedes Benz S280, needs body work.
Call Charles Windsor
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Once she was Lady Di.
Now she is Lady Died.
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NO, NOW SHE IS PRINCESS DIE ANNA
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The princess used to like fish and chips but now she's
stuck on ribs.
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Did you hear the Princess was on the radio just before she died? (And the
dashboard, and the steering wheel, and the windshield)
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Her name has been changed to: The Royalty formally known as Princess Di.
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Q: Why did Princess Diana prefer Mercedes Bens?
A: She liked to make a big impression!
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When Elton does his special version of "Like a candle in the wind" I heard
they are going to leave the part of the song about her
being "found in the nude" in the song.
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Sung to the tune of "Like A Candle In The Wind" by Elton John.
"Goodbye Diana-queen, though I never new you at all, I fantasized about
you, while in the shower stall...."
..."Even when you died, the paparazzi photographed you, while at the
same time, took your pulse to make sure you wouldn't come alive...."
....."And it seems to me, you lived your life, like an adultress in the
castle,
never knowing, who you slept with, so the prince would give you
hassle.."
"I would have liked to love you, but I was just a queer, I slept with
Charles long before, your highness ever did..."
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Q: What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Di?
A: Tiger has an accurate driver!
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Hollywood, of course, is planning a movie on the life of Princess
Diana. It will be called "One Wedding and a Funeral".
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Q: What do Lady Di and the Beatles have in common??
A: They both made quite an impact over in Europe.
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Just heard the details of Mother Theresa's death...
It seems she died in a fiery crash of her rickshaw. After dining at the
Calcutta Ritz with her playboy boyfriend, they were being pulled wildly
through the streets trying to avoid the paparazzi. Rumours have started
that the rickshaw driver was drunk.
So sad, two in one week.
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Princess Dianne and Mother Theresa have died and are at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter says, "Tell me a little about what you did on earth." The
first one says, " I lived among sick and diseased people on the lowest rung
of society. Every day I heard then cry out wanting more and more of me."
"Yeah" said Saint Peter, "Those Paparazi are real scum. You can come in
Di." Then he turned to the other woman. "What about you Mother Theresa?
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Tonight we could all memoralize the sainted Mother Teresa and the beloved
Princess Diana by eating curry and then sticking our fingers down our
throats.
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Informed sources report she died of
CARPOOL TUNNEL SYNDROME
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In honour of Princess Diana's funeral, I would like to release the
following conversation between Elton John and Bernie Taupin, recorded by "
audio paparazzi " earlier this week:
Elton : Hey, Bernie, we've got a gig.
Bernie: What's that?
Elton : A big gathering where lots of young people congregate
to listen to...
Bernie: Yeah, I remember. Where is it?
Elton : Well, it's a funeral.
Bernie: Fuck off. You've got to be joking.
Elton : No, straight up mate. It's Diana.
Bernie: Why should I go?
Elton : 'cause she's a fucking princess, that's why. No come one, there
could be a few quid in it, write us a song.
Bernie: Bollocks to you mate, I've a big darts match on tonight.
Elton : Well just rehash one of our old ones, nobody will notice.
Bernie: Alright then, but let's make it quick...
(footsteps, sound of piano lid opening)
Bernie: Ow 'bout this then? "Saturday, Saturday, Saturday night's
alright... "
Elton : You daft bastard, it's a funeral
Bernie: OK, let's have that dull wotsit for that paper boy what got...
Elton : Nah, do that " Norma Jean " thing. I always hated that
Bernie: (sings slightly out of key)
Goodbye Lady Di
Though I never even bought " The Sun "
The TV told me you had croaked
And ruined all the fun
Elton : You've got to be fucking kidding! Do you realize how much I
could get for this? Have you seen how much hair transplants
cost these days?
Bernie: All right, but I want a free season ticket to a *decent*
club for next year's bonus.
Goodbye Princess Di
May they all forget you were a tart
And have the grace to shed a tear
Before the rumours start
You went out of the country
And you tried to hide in vain
They saw you in the tabloids
You really should have changed your name
But it seems to me your driver was
Over three sheets to the wind
Never knowing what had happened
When the roof fell in
And I'd have liked to have seen the photo
But then I'm just a lout
Your minder will die of heart disease
Before the truth gets out
Royalty was tough
Those regal ears without a dick
Imagine bedding that one night
We can see you had to split
And 'specially now you're dead
Oh the Brits are all contrite
But when you were alive
They really couldn't give a shite
Goodbye Princess Di
From the young man who doesn't want to know
Who thinks you've run off to the Caribbean
To live with Marilyn Monroe,
(and JFK, Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison, Hendrix, Luther King,
Maxwell et al.)
Bernie: What d'ya reckon, Reg? Think that'll do for 'em?
Elton : Yeah, it'll do. I'll never remember the words though. Let's
go down the pub, we'll think about it tomorrow.
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Did you hear Pizza Hut is anouncing a "Princess Di Meatlover's Pizza"?
It's made with two kinds of meat: Egyptian sausage and Welsh beaver.
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I heard a rumor that Charles is going to get his divorce annulled so he
will be a widower and can then marry Camellia and still become King.
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Apparently Diana had Dandruff
They found her Head and Shoulders on the road
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Q: Where did diana go for her Holidays?
A: All over Paris!
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Q: What does Diana have in common with Hugh Grant?
A: They both bought it in the back of a car!
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When President Clinton was going to give his state of the union address
the other night, there was so much coverage of the Princess Funeral,
that in order to get the media's attention, he had Al Gore drive him to
the senate in a Mercedes.
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