Posted by ElScorcho at spider-wb062.proxy.aol.com on December 26, 2001 at 17:53:21:
Here is a fictional story from my college newspaper in NYC filled with obscure Smith refrences. If you like it, it's all me; if you hate it, it was my fucking editor's fault. Enjoy.
An Impromtu Badtime Story
"Tell me a story. I can't go to sleep without a bed time story."
"I'm really tired Priscilla" I said in a desperate attempt to save myself from the perils of child story telling. "Can't you just close your eyes and count backwards from 100?"
"Please, just a quick one?" whimpered Priscilla. One must understand that the power of a five-year-old's pout has an effect not unlike that of a kryptonite condom for Superman.
So I began. "A long, long, long, long, long, well not that long time ago there lived a princess named Snow White. Wat, wrong story. Her name was...ummm...Jade. Jade lived in the kingdom of the Upper East Side; she was, needless to say, a privileged princess. Nevertheless, Princess Jade was unhappy for, in all her riches, she lacked the one thing money couldn't buy. A role in a Kevin Smith movie."
"Who's Kevin Smith" Priscilla inquired innocently.
"Do you want to hear the story or not?" I snapped. She threw me off my flow; I felt bad about it, don't worry. Ya sappy bastards.
"Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, Kevin Smith movie role. All her daddy's, I mean, her father the King of the Upper East Side's connections to the movie industry failed in granting her this one wish. It seemed as though all hope was lost of ever acting in a Smith movie. An impossible task, an unfeasible feat, an unattainable goal; still with me?"
Priscilla's face of pure and utter blankness was worth millions.
I continued, "Then one day, while walking her dog, she literraly ran into a young boy named Jake. Jake was a local boy and was definitely not of her stature, actually he was kinda village-esque. He was dirty and stupid and callow and ugly in a Brad Pitt sort of way; and, not at all like that loser guy I knw named Hen...whatev, TMI, right?"
Priscilla now had an unnerving look on her face as if to tell I could be the poster child for Bellevue. Perhaps I was, but I thought I was doing pretty damn well for an impromptu fiction story.
"She remembered seeing him before, he was working as a bartender in a party her father had thrown; she automatically hated him. He asked her to go to the movies and she accepted. Princess Jade took great joy
in making Jake's life a living hell from then on, cause she was better tan him. Jake, on the other hand, took her petty comments in stride because he secretely like her but thought she was too snobbish.
After dropping her dog off at her Park Ave. appartment, they walked and walked and walked some more. Ten they stopped walking 'cause they got to the movie theater. But that's not important. The thing is that, while they were walking, Jade realized she and Jake actually had alot in common; like their mutual love for Weezer, Radiohead, and Pink Floyd. But, what truly caught the princess's attention was Jake's knowledge of all things Kevin Smith. Of course, she did not share her one wish of acting in a Smith movie out of fear Jake would think her silly."
"'I haven't seen Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back yet, why don't we just check that out?' she suggested, though she had already seen the movie 5 tmes. And, though she didn't know it, so had he.
Jake never took his eyes off the beautiful princess while watching the movie and Jade did not notice because she was watching the movie just as intensely as Jake was watching her. It as then that Jake noticed the she too had a thing for Kevin Smith movies. He had no idea what he was getting himself into.
That night, after the movie, Jake could not sleep thinking about what a great person the princess was once you got to know her and about how he could really impress her. Se he did what any young man in love would do, he searched the internet for gift ideas. But, what was there to give a girl who has the power to buy anything?
'Oh well', he sighed and decided to call it a night. One more thing he had to do before going beddy-bye was check for news udates on the View Askewniverse website. Nothing to report from VA except for Vulgarthon 2002 for which he couldn't get tickets. Then it hit him, the one thing an Upper East Side princess with a CEO daddy but that only desearte, broke fans could; a role as an extra in a Kevin Smith movie. First he'd have to go to Red Bank then he'd stalk Smith. Well not so much stalk as stay in front of the VA Building until either the cops came or they let him in. That was his good, solid plan." Is anybody else starting to feel sory for this kid? I know I am.
"The next day he got on the NJT train and went to Red Bank. Since this was his first time in the Smith holy land, he decided to make the best of it and do a little shopping. And, where else would any self-respacting Smith fan go to shop but Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash? Much to his suprise someone of great importance was working there that day. His name was Jason Mewes, a.k.a., Silent Bob's foul-mouthed, trashtalking sidekick Jay. Finally, Jake's first big break!
He asked Mewes where one could find Kevin Smith but much like the caterpillar in Alice In Wonderland, Mewes was too high to respond. "And this is the guy they trust behind the cash register? Yeah, right, this is whay this is a fictional story. "Anyway, Jake's first lead had been a flop and he was nowhere nearer to finding the Smith-meister; he was right where he started, except for $32 which he spent on a replica of Silent Bob's lighter from Dogma, the one with the word 'nails' on it.
Jake decided he simply walk to VA productions office. He went up the elevator and sat in the lobby for two hours before anybody noticed he wasn't supposed to be there. And guess what happened when people at the office noticed there was a stranged guy sitting in the lobby with no notable purpose? That's right, they kicked his butt out so hard that to this day he can still feel his rectum hurting.
And so, our hero goes home home defeated, with nothing for the princess; and, the princess never speaks to him again. The end.
Hey, Priscilla? Damn you fell asleep. Oh well, you missed a great story."
What? You wanted a happy ending? No way, that's not me. No...no...fine! You want a happy ending? I'll give you a happy ending. Umm, let's see...Jake tells the princess about how hard he tried to get her a movie role and our Princess Jade appreciates his efforts so much that she decides to date him. And, everyone lives happily ever after; blah, b;ah, blah. Happy now?
Hey maybe I'll show this to my editor Fisch! Nah, he'll probably want to put it in that stupid column of his. I'm going home.
That's it folks...verbatim. Sorry for any typos or spelling errors...I'm retarded and was dropped on my head as a baby.