I wish

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: I wish that I felt like we had a choice. : I wish that I didn't feel like it was a trap. : I wish that it all never happened. : I wish that there was an easy solution. : I wish that I knew the "right" thing to do, or the "right" way to feel. : I wish that I didn't feel helpless. : I wish that I didn't know what hate feels like. : I wish. : Last night I couldn't get to sleep. I was saying some prayers, which I'm doing much more often lately, and then I couldn't ignore the voice in my head that kept saying "It's a trap. It's a trap. It's a trap." It was really quite eerie. : I'm a big ball of contradictions and hypocrisies since Tuesday's tragedies. : Before all this I would have said that I am definitely anti-violence. I believe in negotiating and compromising when it comes to the world arena. I've been seeking and progressing with my own spiritual evolvement for the past few years. I've been quite proud of myself for how "connected" and "peaceful" and "nonjudgmental" I was feeling. I've been proactive about my personal growth . . . you get the picture. : So then the tragedy hits on Tuesday and I hardly recognize myself. First I couldn't believe it. Then I was terrified. After I found out that the loved ones that I was concerned about were ok I cried tears of relief. When those tears dried, I felt myself feeling random hate, outrage and indignation. I wanted to lash out at the world. Fuckers. How dare they? (and who are they?) Evil, pure evil, only pure evil could perpetrate something like this. Hate. Hate. Hate. And more and more tears, as I was glued to the tv watching the aftermath. I didn't care exactly who did this. I wanted to punish anyone even remotely involved. I wanted to deport foreign students from the mid-east and limit the potential terrorist pool on U.S. soil. I wanted bombs, lots of them, and I didn't care if they wiped out all of Afghanistan, Iraq and the Sudan. Only worthless animals could do something this utterly cruel and then dance with joy on the blood of innocents. I prayed that covert sniper teams exist and are already in position, without my knowledge, to assassinate not just the top terrorists but their rank and file so that we kill the the whole beast and not just cut off its head so another one can pop up later. I felt a hate like I've never felt before. : Then I realized that I was feeling the exact same ugliness that must have been in the hearts of our attackers. I cringed at myself for this. I was no better than the evil monster I wanted to see pulverized. : Now, I just feel conflicted. I feel like we have been attacked and that we are obliged to respond and protect ourselves. How do I make peace with myself over the fact that I want to see justice exacted and that probably entails violence. We aren't dealing with another nation that we can negotiate with. It's not even something we can buy our way out of because the terrorists aren't demanding a pay-off. Really, I don't know what they want. How do I reconcile my desire for peace with my now vividly urgent need for safety and freedom? I want to believe that we don't need to retaliate, that there's some way to avoid additional violence and bloodshed. But I'm afraid that we are not dealing with a rational adversary. We have been targeted. Either we run away forever, or we find a way so that we don't have to. : If anything positive can be pulled from this . . . : I am so proud of us. I am proud of the way we are pulling together, and I am proud of the heroes that have stepped up in the face of tragedy and danger to rescue others. I am proud and heartened by the way that the rest of the civilized world has supported us in this. I'm also proud of our humanity, stranger helping stranger, that is rising up amidst the rubble to validate the basic goodness inherent in all of us. I needed that validation more than anything. Good does exist. : For the first time ever, I don't feel fake when I hear or say "God bless America". So this is what patriotism feels like? This is all very new to me. I've never been a fan of, or supported, President Bush. I do now (in this specific endeavor). More important than my own ego right now, is the solidarity that the U.S. needs to represent to the world, especially to our enemies. I am choosing to no longer be in denial that we do indeed have enemies, that they are ruthless, and that they must be dealt with. There are no easy choices, only difficult ones. Basically, I'm admitting that I can't sit on my spiritual-high horse advocating a peaceful solution when I doubt that one is plausible, considering the circumstances. I am so afraid of what is to come if we retaliate. I am even more afraid of what is to come if we don't. If we could come up with a way to not retaliate and to not suffer additional terrorist attacks on our country, then that we be my choice. But I'm afraid that that is not one of our options. : I'm tired. : I have more rant in me, just not right now. : My last thought for today is about what a friend outside of the U.S. said to me today. He said that this is just the beginning of a battle between civilizations that will take many years to resolve, and will change the face of the world forever, and that makes him sad. It makes me sad too. In our conversation, I felt compelled to defend the possibility of us retaliating. I said "I don't know how we could avoid being involved". He said "You can't, and you shouldn't". For some reason that was very validating. It also made me realize that it's not just us that was attacked, it's global. This IS really huge. I never in a million years thought that I would be repeating what I had always considered the rhetoric of democracy. The word has been tossed around so loosely to rationalize committing some pretty atrocious acts. But now I feel that it IS democracy that is being attacked. The rest of the world thinks so. It's time I realized the value of what I've been taking for granted for all these years. : Goodnight. : Blessings & grace to all, : Kristyne

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