Posted by Sassy Jack at host-80-213.dhcp.pdx.edu on August 27, 2001 at 20:23:07:
In Reply to: Close, but no cigar posted by Kevin on August 27, 2001 at 13:32:55:
First of all, I'm going to try and write this without bitching, without
hinting at the inner turmoil in my heart, and without looking for hand
outs. I'm writing this to serve as a warning to all of those who dare
cross the Regal Cinemas™ and their ilk. It is a long story and one filled
with dread because it is _all_ true. I wanted to see Mr. Smith's new film
as I am a great admirer of his work (as are most of you), but this did not
come to fruition.
I purchased my "Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back" ticket in the City of
Tigard, a suburb of Portland, OR. Often known for its brutal police force
and drunken bikers, it is also my hometown. You see, I go to college in
downtown Portland and infrequently go home for food, shelter, and the
deposit on soda cans so that I may be able to imbibe in my love of the
With $6.85 in hand from returning sticky, rusted Grape soda cans, I trudged
up the hill toward the theatre complex-- a monstrosity of the highest
I paid for my ticket from the unruly admissions person (*sneer* "Captain
Corelli’s Mandolin is playing at the same time..."), turned toward to
concession stand for a fountain beverage. After purchasing a small
beverage with the remainder of my funds, I was told that seating for the
movie hadn't yet begun and that I would have to wait outside. "Fine", I
said, "I will just have to smoke one of my fine cigarettes and wait."
I sat on the concrete outside smoking, enjoying the uncharacteristically
warm weather of Oregon and my Mountain Dew (with no ice).
Time had begun for the seating and when I sat down I was greeted by the
tender musings of the Afroman song I had heard on the radio and from the
Howard Stern interviews. "Catchy tune", I thought. And waited for the
credits to finish from the previous showing. The final parting of God in
all of Her splendor closing the proverbial book on the "Askewniverse" only
added to my excitement and helped wash away the panic in my stomach that
the motion picture I was about to experience was a shitty pipe dream (The
Ultimate Jersey Flick?") and I knew I was glad I didn’t take the
ticket-takers advice and go see the Nick Cage in the theatre next door.
My reverie was broken by a tall, lanky usher who looked down at me, "Sir,
the movie’s over, you’re going to have to leave."
"No. You don’t understand. I’m here for the next showing…I’m early."
"Sir, would you please come with me."
I gathered my belongings and walked into the bitter light of the lobby and
followed the usher to another man, shorter and much, much more broad than
"This gentleman refuses to leave, Robert."
"No, you don’t understand, I’m early…" I rustled through my pockets for the
stub, my only chance for redemption.
It could not be found.
The next few moments are hazy. I remember yelling at the manager, I
remember being to back. I remember walking out, or rather being escorted
out, and I then remember seething on the bus, going back to my apartment in
That night, all of my friends recounted the movie in full Fan-person
fashion ("It was great when Jay did etc, etc.." "That cameo by so and so…."
"That part where…kicked ass!!!") It was a hell which I hope no one,
especially the fine people on this board, experiences.
I merely hope that all people here remember to keep close tabs on your
stubs and that if you come into contact with any of the Pig Fuckers at
Regal Cinemas™, you sucker punch them in the chest (or at least glare at
them) and say, "That was for Chris, Fuck-a-Duck"
Thank you for your time.
: First off, the day we mourn an 11.1 million dollar opening is the day I
want out of this business.
: Yes - first place would've been nice. Shit, it was almost do-able. But
it wasn't in the cards, apparently, and that's okay. Opening to double
digits with a movie this inside is a-okay in my book.
: And the real tale, anyway, will be told next week. Let's just pray it
doesn't repeat the 'Dogma' second week drop (51%), and instead, hold in
there with a 30% or less drop.
: But remove the figures and all (because, let's face it - the movie's
going to make it's money back and then some; especially with video) and
concentrate on what really matters...
: Were you entertained?
: I've been combing through the last few boards (good Lord, we're going
through them quickly lately, aren't we?), and the majority of you were,
indeed, happy with the flick. Some cats weren't (hey, what do you want me
to say? No flick's for everyone), but largely, folks dug it. That makes
us here at the home office very happy.
: Many thanks to those who did double and triple duty (hell, even single
duty). You're posters are waiting for you when you send in your stubs.
: If you feel so inclined, hit the flick again next weekend. That'd be
: So please - no long faces. We've done well. I'm happy. Very, very
: And while it was nice to have the number one movie in the country for a
night, to be honest, it didn't alter my existence. All I cared about was
if you guys dug the flick, and beyond that, if *I* dug the flick.
: And I did. Very much. Always have, and always will.
: But now it's no rest for the weary, and right back to the drawing board.
If all goes smoothly, we'll be shooting again in Feb/March - just as 'Jay
and Silent Bob Strike Back' should be hitting the video stores (unless Bob
decides to go for the Christmas release).
: And then, of course, there's the cartoon flick next year.
: Which, if you think this movie was
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