The confessions of an idiot (RECAP)

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Posted by superduperman at on August 23, 2001 at 22:43:24:

There is a happy ending to my embarassing story. :) Tommorow, check out for the winner of the Thor Talent search.

Warning: Those of you who hage long messages. Don't bother to read it. But, if you have time to kill, then you can enjoy reading about my humiliation. I apologize for any typos. I wrote this in one sitting.

I AM A GODDAM IDIOT! A fool! A retard! A vacuous simpleton of the highest
order.Why? Some of you ask, while the rest shrug their shoulders with disinterest.
Well, I’ve got a story to tell. A humiliating incident that happened to me at the
San Diego Comicon a few weeks ago. It was an incident that I have been going over in
my head to this day, despite my best efforts to suppress it.
I hear that confession is good for the soul. So I said to myself, what better place to
confess my sins than in the holy house of moo that is the Viewaskew messageboard.
Some of you may be shocked to know that I am a long time comic geek. Yet
despite this, I had never had the opportunity, time or money to attend any comic book
conventions, let alone one of the greatest comic book conventions of all. As it stands, I
would have ended up missing this years S.D. Comicon too.
Until I heard that Marvel was going to do a Talent search for artists and writers,
and that only the people who attend the con would qualify. That did it for me. I decided to
go for one day. But which day? After all, since I’ll be there I might as well take advantage
of the things offered. I wrote down my Thor story synopsis, I scrounged whatever money
I could. (Being a Sub. Teacher, the summer is always the season where I have the lowest
income coming in.), and chose Friday to go.
Kevin Smith was scheduled to appear that day, no doubt with short clips of his
upcoming movie J&SBSB. I’ll skip the drive up to San Diego. It was uneventful.
Although, as I reached San Diego I found myself entering a large, dark fogbank. One
moment It was sunny, and the next I couldn’t see 10 feet in front of my car. In retrospect,
I should have considered this a bad omen.
Once I tossed my story synopsis into the used cardboard box, affectionately called
“The Entry Box” by the guys in the Marvel booth, I was able to enjoy the rest of the
Comiccon. Which turned out to be a few hours of lamenting the fact that there were so
many things I wanted, but couldn’t afford. I had enough of that, and went to the room
where Kevin Smith was scheduled to appear. I was there an hour and a half early. Which
turned out to be a good thing, since they were showing a large block of trailers to
upcoming movies. It passed the time, until the main event.
The room was huge, and filled to the brim with Kevin Smith fans. I managed to
find a seat dead center, and right behind the camera. Kevin Smith showed up with his kid
in his arms and we all cheered approval. You’ve all probably heard the Smith’s father
daughter act so I wont bother mentioning it. All I can say is that if Kevin didn’t get
involved in directing, He would have had a long career as a stand up comic. The guy is a
comedic genius! Yes, we all know that from his movies, and screenplay, but their is a
huge difference between taking all of the time in the world to create something funny on
the page, then coming up with shit on the spur of the moment. It’s a hit and miss kind of
thing. But, Kevin Smith kept nailing it. He could “not” be funny. He kept everybody
constantly laughing throughout the panel discussion, except for me. My sense of humor
was shot down half way through it, and there is no one to blame for what happened but
It started when Kevin Smith made the announcement that he had free tickets to
give away for a screening of his upcoming movie that would be held that very day! You
could sense the overwhelming need of everyone in the room. We all wanted a ticket.
Unfortunately, there wasn’t enough for everybody. Kevin Smith asked people in the
audience to make suggestion to the best way to pass out the tickets. A lot of people made
lame suggestions. But, very quickly I began to notice that he was passing out tickets to
anyone who asked him a question. Well, I literally leaped at the chance.
And I mean literally, The seats are lined up in long, infinite rows and every seat
was taken. It would have taken me forever to squeeze between peoples legs to get out. So
I jumped over the seats to get their faster, and got in line. Others had gotten the same
Idea, so there where about 15 people in front of me. After a while, a long line started
forming behind me. It was around that time that Kevin officially announced that they
would be giving tickets to whoever asked a question. Of course, the majority of the
people in the audience groaned in protest. Too bad for them I thought. The guy in charge
of maintaining control in the panel discussion announced that five people at a time would
be allowed to get up in line and be allowed to ask a question. But that didn’t work. Pretty
soon a long line formed, and security would send them back to their seats, but a few
minutes later they would appear back in line.
I wasn’t concerned about that. I managed to get in with the first batch of people. I
was in!. I was confident. I mean all I had to was wait for my turn, ask a question, and get
my ticket. No problem. I was a Substitute Teacher, working on getting my teaching
credential. I have subbed for all manner of schools from kindergarten to high school, and
even at Juvenile Correctional Facilities. I have stood up, and held the interest of
murderers, rapists, and Middle School students. You know, the worst kind of audiences.
This would be a piece of cake.
Unfortunately, Pride. Glory. A Jedi craves not these things.I was a victim of my
own self importance.
You see, I saw Kevin up there being charismatic, funny, witty. I saw the people in
front of me getting a few laughs now and then with their own amateur antics. I saw the
opportunity to shine in front of thousands of people. Seize the day! That was my mental
state as I waited for my turn.
Also, Murphy’s law was into effect. You know the one that says whenever you’re
in line to ask a question, you find that the people in front of you starts asking the
questions you want to ask. Well, it was in full effect that day. But, like I said, I wasn’t
worried. After a while, the audience, especially the ones in the back, started to complain
that the people in line were blocking their view. So they asked us to kneel on the floor
while we waited. By this time, Jay Mewes had already entered the stage in his own
humble way.(I found it funny that he immediately lit a joint and started smoking it. Kevin
Smith recognized the smell, turn to him, and said “Dude, we’re going to get kicked out.”
So, he puts it away and motions to the audience to keep it on the down low. Shh”) As is
expected, Kevin Smith started ragging on his old friend to the amusement of us all. In
particular, he started talking about Jay Mewes preference for getting down on his knees
under the table, and pleasuring Kevin Smith. It struck me kind of funny that while they
where saying this, there was a long line of people on their knees, me included, waiting for
Kevin Smith. No one else seemed to notice the connection.
About the time when I was 5 people closer to my turn, the young lady who was in
charge of the microphone asked Kevin if she could get a ticket. Of course, he said yes.
She was petite, very cute, and had a peculiar hair color. How could he say no. The
amazing thing was that she took the ticket, and placed it in her bag and left it there in
front of all of these people who desperately wanted a ticket. While in line, People sitting
near the bag, and in line, would look at the ticket in the bag with longing. I didn’t care. I
was about to get my own, so I wasn’t tempted to snatch it.
Finally, the grand moment arrived and I got into position. The cute girl with he
pink green(or green, I find it hard to remember) gave me the microphone. I was ready.
Never mind that the guy before me had just asked the question I was going to ask. After
all, I knew how to wing it. Heaven knows, I’ve done it many times when I arrived to an
assignment, and the previous teacher didn’t leave a lesson plan. In my head, I was a
comedic genius. And right there, a few feet away on stage, was another “comedic” genius.
He looks down at me and grants me permission to speak.
Now here is where my memory is sketchy. I’ve tried to place my actions in
chronological order the way I remember it, but I was under duress at the time, so my
memory cannot be 100% reliable. Maybe, some of you who where there remember it
As soon as he spoke, I responded quickly and with great wit,(or so I thought) by
saying “Can I be in your next movie.” (Barump. Bump. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m
here till Tuesday. You’ve been a wonderful audience.) Now, I remember distinctly Kevin
Smith smirking at my lame joke.(If you may remember, one of the rules of Viewaskew
message board is to never ask Kevin Smith if you could be in his next movie.) But
whether he smirked out of embarrassment for me or confusion, I don’t know. He
responded by saying something like, “what was that you said?” I then proceeded to
continue my comedic performance by saying that everyone else had asked all of the good
questions, so I only had lame ones. By this time, I was sensing that the audience wasn’t
responding well to my mumbling idiocy. So I ask him, “where can I get a copy of the
superman script?” (I got a million of them. Boy, are my arms tired) This got a response of
near silence by the audience. When I mean near, I mean there was one guy in the back
who yelled out, “In the Internet you idiot!”
Now, I don’t know who that smart ass heckler was, but since then I have promised
myself to buy a copy of the superman script, and carry it around with me where ever I go,
in case I ever meet up with him, just so I could shove the script right up his A-hole!
Well, that wonderful remark was the deer on headlights for me. I started
mumbling something of the lines of, “I told you I only had lame questions.” Of course,
Kevin tried to save me by coaxing me on. I continued to mumble, “I had a question for
Jason Mewes, but he left.” Which he had. So Kevin Smith helps me out by saying, “I’ll
pretend I’m Jason Mewes and you can ask me the question.” (He had done this with
another person a while back) So I said okay, but just I was about to ask the question, I
remembered that the guy just before me had already asked it. Now, at this point, the
audience was barely tolerating me. They where impatiently waiting for the moron that is
me, to ask a damm question, and get off the damm stage. So, when I blurted out from
panic, “But the asshole before me already asked my question!”
That’s what did it. When I said asshole, The audience started booing me and
yelling at me to get off the microphone. Let me tell you that there is no sound, or feeling I
had ever experienced that was more psychologically painful than thousands of people
hating you’re guts at the same time. Even then, I wanted to save myself, so I tried to
speak into the microphone, but it was gone. The cute girl with the pink or green hair had
snatched the Mike away from my hands. I look at her, and with eyes full of pity she says,
“I’m sorry, they told me to take the mike away from you.” I look back up at Kevin Smith
hoping he could save me from my self imposed hell, but he looked down at me, and said,
“I’m sorry, the majority has spoken. You don’t get a ticket.” ARRRGGHHH. I was in
shock! I put my arms out like a starving beggar asking for a piece of cheese. I was
literally begging, but Kevin only shrugged, and sadly shook his head, and said, “Sorry.
Maybe, if there’s time, I can come back to you and see if you have a good question.”
The audience was still booing at me, and I look to my left, and see the organizer
waiving, and shouting at me to sit down. From comedic genius to riot instigator in 2. 4
seconds. My face was so hot, it was painful. I knew my cheeks where a deep red. I
lowered my head, and walked back to find a seat. When I did that, the entire audience
cheered and applauded. I wanted to get away from the spotlight as quickly as possible, so
I found the closest empty seat. I looked at the guy next to it, and it was obvious in his
eyes that he didn’t want me to sit there. I did anyway. I sat, and I felt myself shrinking just
like Fred Flinstone does when he suffers humiliation. My chair was huge.
For the rest of the Panel, I sat there and tried to hide my humiliation. Kevin would
say a joke, and I would laugh. He showed a funny clip about Mark Hammil, and I
laughed. He showed a clip of his movie, and I laughed. But inside, I wasn’t laughing. I
was in Humiliated shock. I could not get that unpleasant experience out of my mind. I
could still hear the booing. But worst of all, I DIDN’T GET A FUCKING TICKET!!
FUCK! I kept hoping Kevin would get back to me, and let me redeem myself. At one
point, he gave a ticket to another fan, and asked the fan if he would let me go with him.
The fan shook his head no. FUCK! Kevin Smith looks at me, and says, “Sorry, It was
worth a shot.” Everyone laughs, including me. FUCK! FUCK!
What’s worse is that I look to the right of my chair, and I see the cute girl’s bag
laying against my chair. I look in, and I could see the ticket! I pondered for the longest
time. I gaged the distance between where I’m sitting, and the exit. Could I? Should I?
Finally, I decided not to do it. Not because I had a strong moral fiber, but because my self
esteem was traumatized. I didn’t want to lose what little dignity I had by committing
burglary. As it turns out, I lost it anyway.
I stayed there to the end. I had resigned myself to not seeing the movie, despite
humiliating myself. I had decided that I would at least have Kevin Smith sign my Dogma
DVD. So the panel was over, and I quickly walked up to the stage. Halfway there, I hear
Kevin Smith say, “I’m sorry, but I can’t stay.” He says some other stuff, but I don’t hear
it. Inside my head, I’m loudly screaming, “FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!” over and over again.
Just then, I look to my left and I see this growing crowd. I look up, and I see that
someone is passing out the remaining tickets. I fucking sprint to the crowd and squeeze
in. As I’m in, other people try to squeeze in behind me. In an instant, I’m being crushed
by all these people, and I’m finding it hard to breathe. But I don’t care, I’m focused. I
look up, and reach, and stretch as far as I could. I see my hand reaching in a sea of hands.
I see a women, who I think was Kevin Smith’s wife passing out the tickets. She would
hand a ticket to a hand inches away from mine, then she would hand another ticket inches
to the left of me, then another ticket inches below my hand. It was like some fucked up
Indiana Jones influenced nightmare. By then, more people are squeezing behind me. I can
only breath in short gasps, and STILL I’m trying to grab a ticket. Finally, it gets so bad,
the women is forced to step back or be trampled on. You here this pissed off, almost
scared voice, yelling, “GET BACK! GET THE FUCK BACK!” The women, who may or
may not have been Kevin Smith’s wife, disappears, and everybody starts to back off. So I
stand there, still with no ticket, and ashamed to have been a part of an unruly mob that
almost trampled over Kevin Smith’s wife. I had lost what little dignity I had.
But, that isn’t the end of it. At that moment, while I was standing there in misery.
A tall guy with broad shoulders, and nice looking clothes starts screaming Woo’s in
celebration. His hand raised with a ticket at the end of it. I look at him with total jealousy.
Just then, with ticket still raised, he points across the crowd that is still dispersing. I look
at the direction he’s pointing. It’s another guy, obviously his friend, The other guy, like a
gunslinger, raises his right arm straight into the air, and with a big, goofball grin displays
his own ticket. In unison, they both start to scream at the top of their lungs, and start
jumping up and down in celebration, and each holding their prize in their upraised arms.
They continue this behavior as they walk through the exit. Meanwhile, I’m walking
slowly behind them, and thanking god that I wasn’t carrying a gun at that moment,
because if there was a moment when I would have killed in the heat of the moment that
was it.
So on that note, I walk to my car, with images of the previous three hours in my
head. FUCK! And no ticket in my hand. FUCK! FUCK! I have a nice leisurely drive back
to my small, insignificant town. DOUBLE FUCK! And since then, I have tried everything
I could to forget my humiliation. Nothing has worked. So here I am, hoping that by
confessing to you my own stupidity, I would be able to exorcise my demons and move on
with my life. So, go ahead. Fire away! I am ready to receive my penance. Oh, what evil
sin that is pride.

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