another thought

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Posted by Dead_By_Dawn at on August 24, 2001 at 17:02:48:

In Reply to: J&SBSB: How Bad Does It Suck? posted by kjr547 on August 24, 2001 at 16:32:07:

By saying Jen isn't pretty enough you're perpetuating the belief that actors have to be gorgeous. You know what? (no offense Kev) But I would fuck Jen before I'd fuck any of the other girls in the cast. Why? Because she looks real. (Now the other 3 are quite lovely but they all have the "hollywood" look.) I hate that. The OVERWHELMING majority of girls on this planet look NOTHING like Shannon Elizabeth. Why can't we hire an actor/actress on thier ability as opposed to thier face?


: Well, Kevin has weighed in with his latest attempt at the coveted "Dude, Where's My Car" Memorial Award for Cinematic Achievement- at least he's weighed in for those of us who actually have sufficient social lives to not be taking our dates to a Saturday evening showing of a Kevin Smith film.

: Quick Note to Aspiring Filmmakers: Do not cast your wife as part of a quartet of hotties, three of which are actually played by actresses of the minor-miracle-of-god-augmented-by-modern-science variety. Although she is likely attractive enough to give the average guy walking down the street a woody, she remains a 'normal woman', not a 'could withstand the microscopic detail of a Hustler pictorial' type of woman, and tends to come off as the "loser friend who's always complaining about how all the guys just want to talk to her friends".

: Very simply, my problem is this: this movie is essentially the "Return of the Jedi" of Jay & Silent Bob films (the title notwithstanding). Clerks and Chasing Amy don't count- those were real films that happened to have Jay & Silent Bob as background scenery. No, the real trilogy is Mallrats, Dogma and J&SBSB. And, as we all know, the problem with "Return of the Jedi" was Ewoks- cute little hairy primitives who somehow managed to foil the all-powerful Imperial army with available-in-any-jungle ingenuity.

: In Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, the part of the Ewoks are played by- cameos. Not that the cameos are bad. Brian and Jeff seem to be very comfortable inside their revisited characters- comfortable enough that you get the eerie sensation that maybe they aren't actually 'acting'. Matt Damon proves that, a spate of pointlessly over-arty movies aside, he has excellent comic timing. Judd Nelson makes us understand that maybe, just maybe, he isn't just a has-been reprobate who can manage to eek out performances as never-was reprobates. And, of course, James van der Beek and Jason Biggs... well, they sucked. But we didn't really expect anything else.

: Quick Note to Aspiring Filmmakers: When placing a cameo involving a genre actor, there are two types of people in the world. People who will instantly recognize the genre actor, despite age and an impressively large fist, and people who will not recognize the genre actor, despite any clues you might choose to give them. Attempting to bridge this gap in cultural knowledge via heavy-handed means is an exercise in futility.

: In any case, the problem with Ewoks is that they warp the film around them, forcing the story to be about the Ewoks rather than about the actual story. Suddenly, instead of the heroes managing to triumph over all odds, you end up with the Death Star being blown up because your comic relief can speak six million different languages while being levitated. Or in this case, you end up veering from place to place desperately seeking a good spot to put your latest cameo. And then you forget to blow up the Death Star.

: Quick Note to Aspiring Filmmakers: When a major character in your film has only one dialogue sequence, ensure that this dialogue sequence is memorable and significant. Avoid at all costs the temptation to involve them in dull attempts at plot progression.

: Of course, I know we were all secretly hoping for a Blake's 7-style ending where an enraged Jay, betrayed by the silent duplicity of the partner who sold his soul to make Hollywood fantasia rather than smoke some dope while examining the hilarity of real life, stalked through the View Askew headquarters, going from office to office with an Armalite AR-180 Carbine gas-operated semiautomatic, sparing only a timid Lisa Spoonauer on the premise that she had already suffered enough (watch for this ending on the special edition DVD). But, of course, to our great disappointment, Lisa wasn't in the movie.

: And so while Kevin gets props for putting Ali Larter in a skin-hugging leather bodysuit, ultimately what he delivers is simply a disjointed sequence of admittedly funny, and unintentionally ironic (those damn dirty apes) vignettes. Of course, he'll be cavorting with a bottle of champagne, numerous sex toys and some hot chick named Jenny tonight while I'm out seeing some dumb movie by a bunch of guys from Jersey for the second time, but I believe that merely speaks to the essential injustice of the universe.

: Salut, tubby bitch.

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