Posted by Elwood at adsl-64-163-28-189.dsl.sndg02.pacbell.net on August 05, 2001 at 18:32:57:
Dear Mr. Smith and View Askew,
My name is Elwood Blues and I represent the National Association Against Cruelty To Platypuses. The National Association Against Cruelty To Platypuses [hereinafter "NAACP"], is a duly constituted branch of a national organization devoted to securing and protecting platypus rights and opportunities. The NAACP historically takes all lawful action to ensure equality for the Ornithorhynchus anatinus, to remove all speciously discriminatory barriers, to seek the elimination of discrimination towards the semiaquatic, oviparous mammal and to secure animal rights of all duckbilled mammals.
I write this message to inform you that we have viewed the movie ‘DOGMA’ and we find it to offensive towards the platypus. Due to the horrifying and graphic nature of the movie we were only able to watch the first three minutes, but in that time we recorded 12 attacks on the platypus, literal, inferred, or otherwise. That is an average of 4 attacks a minute and since the movie in its entirety is 128 minutes long we can calculate that the movie contains 512 attacks on the platypus. This is unacceptable and unless View Askew takes action to remedy the situation the NAACP will be forced to pursue legal action. We here at the NAACP don't want this to turn into a long legal battle, we want a quick peaceful resolve and you only have to do three things in order for this to happen.
WHEREFORE, the NAACP asks View Askew to:
1.) Submit a formal apology for your ill-informed and merciless assaults on the platypus to the NAACP no later than the first day of September 2000.
2.) Procure Salma Hayek’s personal phone number and present it to me no later than the first day of September 2000. My contact information is at the bottom of the page. (It is important that you send this to only me and not the NAACP)
3.) Procure and present a copy of the ‘DOGMA’ The Special Edition to NAACP no later than the first day of September 2000. (It’s for further research, I swear)
Thank you,
Elwood Blues
NAACP National Headquarters
1060 W. Addison St.
Chicago, IL 60613-4383
867-5309
PS. We are also aware that View Askew made ‘MALLRATS’, and so help us God if one hair on those rats was harmed during the filming of that movie we will contact the NAACR and they won't like what they hear.