My Theory On The Surprise

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Posted by TangoMania at on May 08, 2001 at 23:54:00:

Once every hundred years a movie comes along that changes the way we look at the world. During the civil war, the movies of
that era brought together the soldiers as they realized the futility of the battle they were fighting. "Down Home", the film that
united a broken country and made Abe Lincoln free the slaves, was the first defining movie of our culture. Today, I have
witnessed the second.

Gus Van Sant took a huge risk when he decided he was going to delve into the brain of Hitchcock and claim his ideas and shots as
his own. But the experiment works, taking a slightly scary movie and making it the most frightening, intense vision of horror seen
this side of "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues". The color makes this movie crackle, and the updates (making $4,000 into $400,000) are
pure genius. Who could have thought up these changes? Not me. But thatís why Iím homeless, I suppose, and why Gus Van Sant
and Brian Grazer run hollywood with an iron spoon. One of the major changes in the film touched me deeply. While Norman
Bates spies on Marion Crane he begins touching himself and moaning, something that pansy ass Hitchcock would never have
though of.

As Vince Vaughn undid his pants and explored his manhood, something about the reality of the scene made me weep. Seeing it in
color gave it that added push (when masturbation is portrayed in black and white it is not realistic) and I knew what I had to do.
Against my girlfriendís wishes and to the dismay of the small child next to me, I slid my hand down my pants and connected with
what I saw on screen. Together we were one, Norman Bates and I, as we spied on Marion Crane together. We tugged and pulled
and I blocked out my girlfriends tears and the small childís confusion. I ignored the questions from the small child: There was no
time to explain. I was having a moment. I was lost in a vision of truth so piercing that my body could not contain itself.

Never before have I been so close to someoneís madness. Gus Van Sant is a genius. After I was done I explained to the child
what had happened and he left for the bathroom with a smile on his face. My girlfriend began to be turned on and we made love
and broke an arm rest ($20) Gus Van Sant is the most creative person on this earth except for God because God created Gus Van
Sant. After seeing this movie I am not sure who would win in a fight between Gus Van Sant and God, but I know who Iíd rather
have over for a dinner party. Gus Van Sant! I would invite him over and we would eat hot dogs and discuss how he thought up the
masturbation scene. Wow!

I recommend that everyone sees this movie at least three times and never sees the Hitchcock version again. Also, rent a Brian De
Palma movie because he is a genius as well. Hitchcock is nothing compared to these two visionaries and just rips them off. Watch
their movies and look at the sameness of them. Hitchcock is a thief. I know Van Sant is planning on making USHERS (color
remake of Clerks) and a color shot for shot remake of Schindlerís List starring William H. Macy. I am excited at both of these
prospects, even more so after today. Gus Van Sant can do anything he want. I also heard he is doing a color shot for shot remake
of the 1902 classic "A Trip to the Moon." This is exciting news as well. That film is outdated and would benefit from ILMís
special effects. I will see that movie.

In closing, go see Psycho tomorrow and support Van Santís experiment. If you donít that would be a tragedy for Van Sant and he
might have to stop making movies. That would be bad so see this movie twice and tell your friends and family to see it. Take little
kids and tell them itís not a movie. Tell them itís real. If they say itís just a bastardization of Hitchcock well, theyíre wrong, and
show them this review as proof. Color remakes forever. Who needs black and white?

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