Holy shit,you are infrigginsane

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Posted by MickCollins. at dsl081-202-189.nyc1.dsl.speakeasy.net on March 28, 2001 at 10:03:17:

In Reply to: Kevin I also got a message from friggin' Jesus posted by 3Eves on March 27, 2001 at 19:35:46:

: Dude, I think I am the fucking chick you got a dream about before
you made Dogma. At least, I think you got it all in a dream.::

Was that the one with Heidi Klum,a bucket of ice cream and a
strategically placed Kevin?

: My messages started last fall with a psychic reading. This woman
starting talking to "someone" on the other side who knew everything
I've ever done.::

Who could it be....wellllll....I don't know.....could it be.....SATAN?

: At that time I was told I would have great commercial success with a
movie I wrote (by the way, I write) and that some powerful folks would
produce. But his letter is not a ploy for help with work, we have a
much more important connection.::

Do psychics ever say bad shit? Is there a psychic who is like "Shit,I
would'nt make any plans past the 30th of september. Sieze the
day,my friend." You walk in wearing a Clerks shirt and she says "You
will make movies and Kevin Smith will be involved." Way to fucking

: I was told I had a strong connection to you. But I didn't really think
much of it at the time.::

Yes,the Thorazine was working,then.

: Since then, I have had so much freaky shit happen to me, too much
to tell you about in this message. But let me tell you, before this I was
totally against organized religion and I did NOT believe Christ wanted
us to worship him and I did NOT believe in a real devil. ::

Just those handsome devils on the side of Abercrombie and Fitch

: Too much to mention now. But I can say, so much has happened
that I have been moved to get the fuck out of town and head back to
Jersey to try to get you to read my screen play. It was when I was
thinking about this that I finally watched Dogma (for only the second
time) and had more revelations. I really believe I am that fucking
Linda F. character. And it struck me when I saw that scene where she
started flipping out and said "this is too big" and told God she hated

You are Jesus' niece? Really? Guess everyone has a fuck-up in their
family,even the big JC.

: Kevin, I flipped out in the same exact way. And said the same exact
thing, verbatim. No shit. :::

I think it was ment to be something people could identify with.

When I realized I had really been contacted. Only, I freaked out much
worse, in my bedroom, and starting banging my head into my door. ::

Umm.Riiigghhttt. Two foot putt,I ain't saying anything more.

And now, (did I tell you I'm from Eatontown?) I am making a fucking
pilgramage back to Jersey, just like in your movie. I am not a freak!::

Don't sell yourself short,you are a tremendously large freak of
inhumane proportions. The midgard serpent of freaks.

Well, I am now!:::

Thou has hit Bingo,varlet.

But I wasn't before! I was selling advertising for Muvico Theaters but
quit last summer when I was compelled to only try creative things. :::

Please don't list ritual homicide as something creative. Charlotte

Well, financially, that's not working out too well. I also sing, but I don't
want shitty jobs, I have always had kind of an 'attitude'. Now I really
believe it is my old and frankly, superior soul.::::

People with "old souls" can suck off cacti.

: Dude! I can't believe I finally got smart enough to post you this
message. I was told you didn't really like talking about how you got
the Dogma story because you feel like a freak, and no one believes
you. Well, no one fucking believes me. And I am honestly afraid the
people I have told may try and put me in a hospital or jail. ::::

God bless them. If anyone on this board works for a psych unit,e-mail
this broad and say you are the angel gabriel and need a place to
crash for the weekend,get her address,and send the guys with the
white coats and silly string.

Dude, the Loki and Bartleby thing, it's fucking real. And I know this
sounds really nutty, but from what the other side has told me, Matt
really is Loki, but Bartelby, well, I can't tell you who he is because he
is an asshole (not really, but he is hurting me by not helping me). I
went to Muvico and asked them to contact him, I told them about my
'messages from God'. I believe they contacted him out of fear,
thinking I was a wacko, and from the messages I have gotten from
the other side (like predicting a million friggin' things I did in the last
few months) I really believe he is watching me via satellite. Only he is
too mistrusting to believe me even though I have given him tons of
info that there is no way I would have ever known.

Guess Minnie Driver hit the nail on the head. Now,fast forward
through more schizophrenic rambling.

: I am in major need of help. ::

No shit, Miss.Hinkley. Hey Darth Dobbin,do a psych profile on this
wacky bitch.

I have no one to turn to. I quit my good job last summer, a job where
they paid me on outstanding contracts, so it has been supporting me.
But my money has run out. ANd my Orlando family, whom have never
believed in me, and my mother has always been a terrible mother
anyway, even though they are re-born Christians, the minute I
mention 'talking to Jesus' they think I'm nuts. :::

If Jesus ever directly responds,say you pray "Jesus, I want a big red
corvette" and you hear "Shut the fuck up,Hendrix and I are playing
cribbage", then you are indeed insane. Sorry.

So, there is more, I am supposed to have a whole bunch of great
re-incarntated old souls around me down here. Only, they are all
poor, and they don't believe me either!:::

You are in bad fucking shape if your delusions think you are nuts.

So, I was planning on driving up there and sleeping along the way in
my car and mooching off my relatives until I could get someone in
your office to read my screenplay, because I know you will want it,
whether this shit is true or not, which it is. Before I realized this stuff
was true, I wrote it with you in mind to direct. It has a musical twist,
very funny, and all about positive change. And it starts out with a
Carpenter song and a drive along the Jersey coast, you will love it. :::

Read the intro, Miss McClaine. He can't take scripts,not even from
Jesus' party pals.

: Anyway, here we go. Ready to change the world? I am going to blow
your mind dude.::

Hopefully not with a 12 gauge.

I need help ASAP! I am trying very hard to remain sane.::

You failed,I think. Wait...Yea,you failed.

I know this stuff is real, only it is very hard because I am basically all
alone. I have two friends who 'believe' me, yet, at the same time, I
really don't think they totally believe me.:::

Anyone else here leaning towards paranoid schizophrenia with
delusions of grandeur?

Oh, and DON'T call Muvico YET! They think I am insane! I marched
into their office last month and told them I was the Holy Spirit
because all this stuff happened to me and I really believed God
would help me out with a booming voice! Don't laugh! It's not fucking
funny! I KNOW you got messages too and you HAVE to help me!

The Holy Spirit just talks dirty to me. "Come,let me show you the way,

: And again, I am NOT looking for you to contact Matt!!! ERRRR I am
NOT a total fucking dork! I have always been a movie freak, but never
a collector of star shit.::

You have always been a freak,Newman.

: Write me quick Kevin!::

I would'nt wait to check into the clinic before Mr.Smith responds. And I
bet thats Kevin down at the S-Mart buying a Remington,top of the line.

: Christine
: (Friggin' Eve)
: (so they say)

All jokey aside,you need serious fucking help. Unless this is a big
joke. Then you are funny.

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